“Two dudes.”

“Fuck’s sake – I know. You always want two dudes.”

“Yes but but but but. It’s more than that.”

“Honest?”

“Honest. The specific nature of this two-dudes fantasy makes it different to all the rest.”

“Really?”

Really. Let me tell you about my threesome director fantasy… 

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Anal sex is a topic I have done to death here before. If you’ve been reading for longer than a few weeks, you know that it’s one of my favourite things. The tightness of it, the promise of something deliciously taboo, the way he’ll whisper ‘good girl’ in my ear as I wriggle back onto his cock… unngh.

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Today a guy wrote a Vice article about why he doesn’t want to eat pussy. There are a number of things I could say in response to his article, mostly involving swearwords, and desperate pleas that he stop repeating the same tedious bullshit that comes out whenever any straight bloke thinks he has a Scorching Hot Take on the subject of eating cunt.

As a general rule, my opinion on cunnilingus is that it’s not really my bag, but I’ll enjoy doing it to a lady if I’m fucking her. If you want to eat it, tuck in, but I won’t shame you if you’d rather not.

However, what I DO object to is the implication that it’s far more onerous to ask someone to give cunnilingus than it is to ask for a blow job. In the piece, the author says:

“The penis is a simple thing – it’s hard to get things completely wrong.”

To which I reply: HOW FUCKING HARD ARE YOU SHITTING ME, SUNSHINE?

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This blog post was written in response to the question: are there any sex things that you don’t like? Here’s where my mind went first.

I am probably similar to a lot of British people who grew up in the late nineties, in that I first encountered rimming on Queer as Folk (the UK version, which is categorically better than the US version because of Stuart Alan Jones). In the first ever episode, Nathan (played by Charlie Hunnam when he was young and pre-beardy) gets naked and thoroughly fucked by the stunning Aidan Gillen. Amid the sweat and the panting and the deafening thud of my aching, hormonal cunt, I heard Stuart (Aidan Gillen) ask Nathan what he was into. Nathan pauses so Stuart prompts:

“Rimming?”

There’s a pause, as we realise that the young ‘un has absolutely no idea what that is. Still, he’s as horny as a teenager with a hot guy sweating all over him, so obviously he says yes. And the sight of Stuart’s tongue sliding wetly up and down Nathan’s back, eventually coming to rest in the crack of his buttocks is something I still occasionally kill kittens over.

But of course, alongside all my other thoughts – are there nerve endings there? Is it really pleasurable? If I asked him really nicely, would an Aidan Gillen lookalike ever do the same to me? – was the most important rimming-related question: what does it actually taste like?

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This post discusses sleep sex (and sleep ‘other things’). Everything that happens here is 100% consensual, with a guy I trust a lot, and with whom I have had numerous conversations about sleep shagging. It is not an endorsement to go ahead and do this with people who you haven’t had similar conversations with, obviously. 

Apparently on Saturday night I kept a guy awake for hours by repeatedly wrapping my arms round him and begging him to touch my tits.

Yeah, that’s weird, isn’t it?

I was also either 100% asleep for the entire thing, or I have suffered selective amnesia. When he explained to me, very patiently, on Sunday morning that he was a bit knackered ‘because of your weird midnight nipple demands’ you could have knocked me down with a feather. You could also have knocked him down with a feather, because – thinking I was awake – he kindly acquiesced, until eventually he fell asleep on me for a while before I woke him up for more.

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