I’ve written a book. It’s an erotic memoir, which begins at roughly the time I first started wanking and ends in 2012. It’s a story about sex, for the most part. It’s got swearing and filth and BDSM and all the things you’d expect if you’ve read my dirty blog entries. But it’s also got rants and a few of the ‘how not to be a douchebag’ rules I try, and frequently fail, to live by. It’s all of my fucks, and all of my fuck-ups, and it’s hopefully funny as well.

You can buy it from any of these places:

Amazon in the UK
Amazon in the US
Kobo
From Mills & Boon

Reviews

BookCunt says: “This is the thinking gentleman/woman’s filth, and will equally delight and disgust you. If you are a fan of the blog then this is a must read. As with all of GOTNs writing, it is a frank and honest, which are two of the best qualities for a memoir to be, in my opinion.”

Martin Robbins, who writes The Lay Scientist at the Guardian says: “It’s like Twilight, if Twilight were about sex instead of vampires and didn’t hate women.”

Curvaceous Dee, awesome hot sex blog writer, says: “Girl on the Net’s amazing memoir is just as hot as her blog, while adding what every memoir needs: a whole lot of wanking, some impressive sexual shenanigans, expanded stories that we never quite got to read enough of on her site, and some of the terrible rotten no-good very bad things that she did too.”

Christopher Mansell of ‘A Writers’ Side Quest’ says: “It’s delightfully filthy, throwing around the sort of language that would put my mother off reading with a casual glee. Stories of so-called normal sex, debauched sex, and even borderline rape in one disturbing case are all thrown in here, and there’s absolutely no holding back. What really elevates it for me is that it comes with its fair share of pathos too. GotN is not perfect by any stretch. She fucks up just as often as she gets things right, and it’s all recounted here, with seemingly nothing left out.”

Fred, of the similarly named blog, says: “G.O.T.N. gives a chronological description of her various lovers, male and female, from her early teens through to present day. Witty, clever, filthy, dirty descriptions. There is a bit of background information about her but mostly it’s just sex. Did I mention it was FILTY, DIRTY, SEX?”

CD Foxwell, of the ‘Erotic Den of Erotica’ says: “This is a memoir that shatters lazy cliches and misguided preconceptions. We all know the notion that women don’t masturbate is preposterous, but here, in e-print, Girl on the Net finally kicks that myth in the knackers with her irresistible memories of her teenage self frantically frigging off at the thought of being tied up by lascivious pirates. Meanwhile, her insights into what was going through her head as she talked dirty with ‘First Love’, or as she encouraged ‘Number One’ and ‘Number Two’ to explore her body so she, in turn, could get her hands on them, are fantastically realised – women are sure to nod and smile, while for men it’s like getting to peer behind the curtain.”

Sex-toy site Bondara says: “This isn’t just a blow-by-blow (pun intended) account of GOTN’s sex life but a funny and often heartbreaking story of a real woman not so different to a lot of us. She’s just more honest about what she wants. And she wants sex. A lot of it. With different people. On her terms. I felt empowered by the end.”

Sean Ellis, reviewing for The Pod Delusion, says: “What makes this work as a genuinely engaging book, rather than just a series of pornographic vignettes trussed up tight in a slick jacket (ahem)… is the emotional underpinning. Girl on the Net writes with genuine love, as well as lust. You can feel the highs and lows, the hope and the heartbreak, as well as the hot and the heavy.”

The excellent website dedicated to writing by women, For Books’ Sake, says the book is: “a frank, confident, explicit, at times combative and often deeply witty read about her life as a stalwart sex and BDSM fan; a book that is equally at home talking about her triumphs as she is admitting her very human, very real fuck-ups.”

Left Turn 4 Records zine says: “Refreshingly honest, pretty much every aspect of your mental and physical being is given a soothing cuddle – whether you think you’re too geeky, too awkward, or just plain repulsive, here is a girl telling you that you’re pretty much perfect as you are, and here’s a clutch of evidence to back that up as she goes into the detail of exactly how that night with your foible-type went. Life affirming indeed.”

I’ll add reviews here as and when they come in. My lifelong dream is that it will receive a review of 5 stars on Amazon, with a comment that simply says ‘utter filth’. Fingers crossed.

Contact about the book

For any trade publishing enquiries, please contact Lorella Belli.

If I were to distil what I’m trying to say in this blog, in my book, in articles and guest posts I write elsewhere, it’s this:

“Don’t make assumptions about sexuality.”

Don’t assume everyone’s the same. Don’t assume women are all looking for excuses to get out of sex, or that straight men are on a relentless quest to penetrate any female hole. Understand that people are complex, difficult creatures, and if we all acted the same not only would sex and relationships be seven billion times easier, but the world would be an unconscionably boring place.

And yet, when I write an article about female sexuality – that it’s complex, that some of us lust after dark and sordid things, that some women pursue sex with a drive that’s not easily explained by the ‘I’ve got a headache’ narrative – one of the most common responses is this:

“You obviously haven’t met my wife.”

Sigh.

My wife hates sex

I haven’t met your wife, and it’s likely that I won’t. It might be the case that your wife/girlfriend/mate/girl you met down the pub detests sex. It might equally be the case that she wants a very different kind of sex to the one you’ve got on offer.

But I’m not talking about your wife, because I’m not talking about all women. I never am.

I get this criticism a lot, and to be fair I understand why – the things I write here can sometimes sound a bit prescriptive. And I’m confident enough in my own experience to put forward arguments like “women don’t all want X” or “men aren’t always like Y.”

However, there’s a subtle difference here. Just because men and women aren’t all X and Y, that doesn’t mean I’m saying they’re all definitely Z. They might be A or B or even – if they’re particularly filthy – J. In order to agree with me you don’t have to think that all women want exactly the same – that would be illogical, terrifying, and clearly contrary to the experience of any person who has ever met women. All you have to understand is that people, bless their incomprehensible selves, are all different. 

Although it might upset you, some women like sex more than your wife. Some women like sex less than your wife. Some women, if they were married to you, would be a bit pissed off with you moaning on Twitter about how infrequently they want to fuck.

Unique and beautiful snowflakes

Women aren’t all the same. We never have been. Some women will be pretty similar to me in terms of outlook, sexual taste, etc. Others won’t.

I know you know this, of course. Chances are if you’re seeing this just after it’s published you’re a regular reader, subscriber, or someone who follows me on Twitter. You probably understand well the vast spectrum of human sexuality, and that people – no matter what their gender, sexuality, etc – have vastly different and fascinating needs and desires.

I’m not writing this for the people who understand. I’m writing this so that I have a link ready for the next person who doesn’t. So the next time someone says ‘hurr hurr, you haven’t met my wife’ I can send them here, and try to explain.

Just because I like sex doesn’t mean everyone has to. Doesn’t mean everyone does. I might sometimes be clumsy with my words, I might conjure up images that don’t fit with your worldview, but – like every single other blogger out there – I am utterly unqualified to speak for everyone.