Note: this post contains minor spoilers for the filthy scenes in Saltburn. Which I (obviously) loved. 

I’m not going to do it.

Damn right you’re not going to do it. 

Even though… there isn’t really any harm in doing it?

Don’t you dare do it.

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Sometimes dicks don’t get hard when you want them to. Yours stays soft sometimes, right? If you’re drunk, high, stressed, distracted by a squirrel or whatever? Annoyingly, society has told you that not being able to achieve full-mast, cast-iron boners whenever you want to is shameful, even though it really obviously isn’t because it happens to everyone. Seriously, every single person with a dick has had trouble with it at some point – it won’t get hard, it gets hard at inappropriate times, it comes sooner than you’d like or doesn’t come at all, you know the drill. And some of you, when your dicks don’t do what you want, lean on a little external help. If you come too quickly, you might try wearing a thicker condom. If you can’t get hard, you might pop a Viagra. It’s totally fine, loads of people do it, and I (a 39-year-old woman with a ravenous cunt and a lot of love to give) am here to tell you that I will not shame you for taking one. In fact, like many sexual things to which we usually attach shame, I would like to take that bullshit societal script and utterly pervert it. The next time you reach for a blue pill, please tell me you’re about to take one, so together we can make it kinky. Here’s how to take a Viagra, sexily.

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Instead of doing some boring-as-fuck intro where I tell you how hard it’s been to choose my top smut from 2023, this year I’m going to open with a thank you. Thank you to every single one of you lovely pervs for reading, listening, sharing and commenting over the last 12 months. This year has been hard, and as a result I’ve published less than I usually would, but for some reason shitloads of you have still come to this cum-covered corner of the internet to join in and beat one out. Over 1.7 million of you (WHAT THE FUCK) came in 2023, giving over 6.6 million pageviews (WHAT THE DOUBLE FUCK). And although this would usually translate into piles of sweet sweet cash, because I’m an adult site I can’t make money the way a normal website would, with Google ads and whatnot. So through trembling sobs of truly heartfelt gratitude I want to say thank you to my incredible sponsors (Bloom Stories, Doxy, Dreams of Spanking, ElectraStim, FrolicMe, Godemiche, Hot Octopuss, Literotica, Meo, The Pleasure Garden, Sex Tech Guide and Whipple Tickle), without whom half of this would be impossible, as well as to my extraordinary team of generous Patreons, who provide the support that holds up the other half. Thank you, too, to the hot, incredible, incredibly hot people who have been kind enough to let me share our adventures here on site. This year that’s mostly been Hot Punk Guy [HEART EYES EMOJI], but special thanks also to Shop Man who restored my faith in dating, Maelstrom of Fuck couple who helped me achieve a fun bucket list thing (which I’ll write up for the blog later) and my lovely comet who showed me a great time exactly when I needed it.

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Today’s guest blog is a really beautiful story about a kinky relationship – an intimate look into how the writer’s love of kink grew alongside love for the person he was with. I found it very moving: love, lust, and loss given equal space and weight and importance in the piece. I saved it for the end of the year because it felt like such a perfect way to wrap up the guest blogs for 2023. Huge thanks to him for sharing. If you have a story or opinion you’d like to share, especially if you don’t often see your experiences/sexuality reflected here on the blog, I would absolutely love to hear from you in 2024. Note that this piece contains the use of ‘Mummy’ as an honorific – all participants are over the age of 18.

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In this piece, the dominant narrator is going to tease you, frustrate you, and then eventually take you slowly. In this version, the narrator is voiced beautifully Stephen Carling. If you would prefer a woman’s voice, check out She’s going to take you slowly, read by Girl on the Net. 

Today, I want to take you slowly. That’s my plan. I’m going to explain to you, in detail, exactly how I’m gonna take you. And you’re going to stay nice and quiet for me while you listen, touching yourself if you want to, but not yet making yourself come.

Are you happy with that? OK. Let’s do this.

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