I wrote this last week when I was excited to go to a festival, pondering whether this might be the first time I ever got laid at one. I always have this romantic fantasy of finding a festival boyfriend – someone who I can snog while the bands are on, who then disappears into the night, not seen again until (perhaps) next year. But then every time I go to a festival with the aim of getting laid, I fail. But failure here is sweet and this is why. 

He catches your eye in the beer tent, your festival boyfriend. Gives you a smile and a nod. Mouths ‘cool shirt’ and lifts his plastic pint in a casual salute. You smile back, flushing hot with nervous energy, and wonder if you should go over and say hello. But you’re struggling to catch the attention of the stoner who’s working the bar, and you’ve got to get back to your friends. Besides, by the time you turn round, full hands sticky with cider, he’s gone. Your festival boyfriend has disappeared into the crowd.

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This fabulous group sex party story is written by Spencer Pritchard, and read by Matt Johnson. 

I couldn’t take my eyes off you as you gracefully strode towards me. Confidence oozed from that huge grin you give, perfectly complemented by your delicate features, your talkative eyes and a sharp jawline. It was a face that I’d known my whole adult life. From first meeting you at college and an all too brief relationship, through a strong friendship which I eventually lost track of, to a reconnection built on understanding and empathy, truth and honesty, love and regrets. A face that had always brought a deep, wide smile to mine.

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I’m a big fan of penetrative sex: it’s not the only way to fuck, but it is my favourite. I understand that some people don’t want their partner to ejaculate too quickly during penetration – they want their ‘turn’ to come before any jizzing occurs. The notion of the ‘two-pump chump‘, while shamey and horrible-sounding, does nevertheless express something that’s important for some people, and I don’t want to imply that their desires here are invalid. Nor do I want to invalidate your desires if you find yourself coming really quickly during sex and desperately wishing you could last a little longer. If you’re shagging me, though? Please don’t ever worry about ‘premature ejaculation’ on my account. Two pumps is fine. Even just one, to be honest. One of the hottest things you can ever do is spunk uncontrollably into my cunt.

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How late is too late to start fucking? If you’re not sure of the answer to that, allow me to rephrase it: at what point in your life must you stop seeing your body as something that can bring you sexual pleasure? When I put it like this I hope you can see that the answer is ‘never’ – you’re never too late to start fucking, never too late to enjoy your body. Society feeds us so many lies about sex that it takes a lot of work to unpick them, and the idea that we should at some point give up on our sexual selves is an especially pernicious one. We’re told that you’ll hit a certain age and suddenly stop wanting sex (wrong!), that other people will stop wanting you (wrong!) or that beauty is synonymous with youth (also wrong!). Perhaps most bizarrely, we’re given the impression that our futures are fixed when we’re younger: we decide what – and who – we want to be when we grow up, and these early choices will determine our fate forever. SO WRONG! Unfortunately, just yelling ‘WRONG’ at full volume doesn’t help to calm the nerves of anyone who’s worried that they may have missed the boat. So let’s tackle the age-old question: how late is too late to start enjoying sex?

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Sex is rarely ever predictable, especially with a new partner. Although we’re taught that there are certain ‘scripts’ that we should follow when it comes to sex, there are many different factors that make those scripts useless or sometimes even harmful. The individual quirks of our own bodies are definitely key factors here! So I’m excited to welcome Anna (@AnnaDdottir) to the guest blog slot today, with a fabulous and funny piece on the ‘what the fuck’ moments that her disabled body sometimes throws into the mix. Enjoy the guest blog, and check out Anna’s blog here!

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