Girl on the Net

Heat wave daydream time: everything’s melting, including my brain, and there’s very little I can do to conjure blog ideas when I’m sitting in my knickers sweating soup. But yesterday just as I lay down in bed, I had a very powerful horny image. Instead of trying to write that into a proper blog post, I’m just going to write a string-of-consciousness story prompted by that flash-frame idea: him stopping me in the hallway, making me face the wall and arch my back, yanking down my shorts and knickers then roughly lubing me up to get fucked in the ass.

This is a fantasy, it’s very consensual, and in fact it’s at the more consensual end of things I tend to wank about. But the first half has notes of dubious consent so don’t read on if that’s likely to distress you. Also contains: butt plugs, threats of anal as punishment, fetishisation of thick cocks. 

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Today’s incredible guest blog is a long read, so make sure you’re sitting comfortably – with a sex toy of your choice if you’re in the mood – and let yourself fall into this intense and adrenaline-pumping fantasy. We’ve talked here before about risky sex and the way that fear can heighten a sexual mood, but I reckon the author of this piece – J K Mill (@jkmill on BlueSky)- has raised the stakes to heights that no one’s written about on the blog before (I mean this in a very literal way). So settle in for a piece of erotic fiction about climbing, and fucking, which ends on the most searingly memorable mental image I’ve been given in a very long time…

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As I turn my bike to head south out of the town, Jagged Little Pill plays in my headphones. I ride past the sign that tells me I’m gone from this particular place for good, and I start to smile. And then laugh. I almost punch the air in victory.

Note this story contains coercion and creepy behaviour. I’m fine, but I don’t want to randomly surprise you with this sort of thing. After my recent epic bike trip, one of the questions people ask me is ‘did you feel safe traveling as a woman on your own?’ and the answer to that question is ‘yes.’ I generally felt very safe, and I don’t want to put any woman off solo travel if she wants to do it – it’s a complete joy and one I hope everyone – no matter their gender – gets the chance to experience at some point in their lives. But it would be a lie to tell you I was always safe: I was mostly safe, I only got almost-sexually-assaulted once. This is the story of that one time. 

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If you’re expecting the usual sex blogging here, you’ll be sorely disappointed. I wrote this because some people (like, literally about five) asked me if I was planning to blog about my recent bike trip across Europe, and although I’m not going to write a tonne of posts, I do love having the excuse to tell you the things that made it rock and the things I’d have done differently. Apart from anything else, it’s a fun opportunity to reflect on something I’m proud of and capture bits that I’d like to remember in years to come – I always tell other people to do this so maybe I should do it myself. But as I say it will only be of interest to about five of you, so consider yourself warned. I’m writing the advice part as if you want to do the exact same thing I did, but naturally your mileage may vary. Take what you want from this, ignore the bits you don’t, and please refrain from giving me advice because I haven’t asked for it. For me, part of the joy of doing this kind of thing is figuring it out on my own. I do this by seeking out other people’s blogs/videos/maps, taking what I need from those and discarding what I don’t. If you want to give advice to other cyclists, by all means do so, but please share it on a broadcast channel that anyone can read (like a quote post), rather than directing it at me in my comments. Anyway. If you want to do what I did (or something similar), here’s how to cycle from London to Budapest.

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I know I always bang on about how there aren’t any universal tricks to make your sex life better. There’s no ‘one simple way’ to please your lover in bed. But I’ve decided – after a decade and a half of sex blogging – that there is actually one change that would have a near-universal positive impact on everybody’s sex life. It isn’t something an individual can do on their own, it’s a choice we need to collectively make as a society. But we can make this choice if enough of us get on board. The one simple trick to give everyone a better sex life: Universal Basic Income.

Hear me out.

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