“Let’s get some dick in you.”

Storytelling is like sex: so much of it is about the angle. And there are two ways I can tell this dirty story. One ends with a punchline, the other with a perfect climax.

As this is the filthy version, I’ll give it to you quick and hard.

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A few weeks back, I gave the best blow job I’ve ever given. Apparently. I don’t like writing that down so starkly – it’s far easier to talk about how mediocre I am in bed, or how incompetent I am with certain sex toys.

But I’m writing it because the sentence itself will spin round in my head forever. I don’t want anyone to tell me that anything was ‘the best blow job ever’, because I’m primed to root through any compliment until I eventually find a negative. And so this week I’m tortured by this one simple fact:

None of my other blow jobs were as good as that one. 

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In ‘good things’ this week – an exceptional piece on BDSM and understanding the context of your own desires. And in the ‘bad things’ column, a competition from The Sun that unfairly discriminates against men.

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This blog is a bit meta, and basically involves me talking about my life then offering you the chance to get nice things. If that’s not your bag then rest assured that normal service will resume on Sunday, with a SMOKING HOT picture of some people with tattoos, and accompanying enthusiastic blog post. 

One of my resolutions for this year – particularly after an exhausting 2015 – was to try and chill out a bit more, and just enjoy nice things. Have more baths, see my friends, get enthusiastically pegged and fucked at the same time: you know the sort of stuff.

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It’s hard to talk about rejection without sounding like you’re looking for sympathy. What’s more, it’s almost impossible to make rejection sexy. So on this sex blog, I very rarely talk about times when I was dumped, or when a hot person greeted my clumsy ‘fancy a shag?’ with a ‘no.’

But I think it’s important to talk about rejection. Firstly because I don’t want to give the impression that my life has been an unending sex-fest with anyone I choose. I hate to think I’d feed into the myth that men will fuck anyone who asks, because it’s total bollocks, as most people who’ve tried to fuck men will tell you. Secondly, there are often great things that come out of rejection: friendships made, lessons learned, disasters averted.

So, with all my love and thanks to each of them: here are three guys who’ve rejected me.

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