Don’t make love to me. Please.

I’ve seen the films, where the guy enters her gently and she gasps with delight. He strokes her face and her hair and their bodies melt together in soft focus. They smile, and whisper, and beautiful music plays – something soulful and deep that you’d put on a mixtape.

This might just work if you’ve been together for years, if you know each other well after nights spent chatting and bonding and bringing each other grapes and tissues when you’re ill. It definitely doesn’t work for an early shag. Here’s why:

If you’re doing it slowly you’re not that keen. By the time you’re in my bedroom (or my lounge, or my bathroom, or the car park of the local McDonalds) I want you to be so hot and hard and desperate that you’ll frot against my thighs when you get close enough. Don’t peel my clothes off slowly while you kiss every inch of my delicate skin; moan and swear and writhe as you tear off your trousers, wondering why it takes as long as 6 fucking seconds to get your cock out and into me. If we’re shagging for the first time (or the second, third, fourth, or twenty-second), you need to be lustful, and hot, and focused so hard on coming that nothing can distract you.

Slow foreplay indicates self-control, and self-control isn’t very sexy. Why would you bother to gently undo my shirt button by button when you could be forcing your cock into the back of my throat? Don’t tell me this is foreplay, don’t tell me it’s there to make sure I’m turned on and as willing to fuck you now as I was when I first got on the night bus home with you; if I weren’t turned on I wouldn’t be here. It was probably me who dragged you onto the night bus in the first place.

From the moment we’re alone and you touch me my legs start to shake, I’ll be panting and wet and desperate and everything that’s good about naked, horny girls. To try and temper that passion with gentle kisses is an insult to the lust that I want to bleed into every pore of your body. If I’m begging you for hardcore, don’t give me Mills and Boon.

But if none of the above has persuaded you, and you still want to stroke my face and call me darling and see if you can melt my frozen heart with the power of your lovemaking, then let’s cut to the chase: I don’t love you, you don’t love me. We should no more be ‘making love’ than we should be naming our first child.

If we’re not fucking then we’re fucking done here.

I don’t believe you’re real

You obviously believe I’m real enough to initiate a conversation with, so what is the point of this question? This is one of the most irritating dating site fails.
I’ve written the profile, I can write replies, but short of running round to your house and headbutting you in the crotch, there’s not much else I can do to prove it.

Wanna chat?

Why yes, yes I do. But in real life, please, not on some idiotic chat programme where we have stilted conversations about what we’re both doing, culminating in me being massively turned off by your excessive use of the term ‘lol.’

I always say in my profile that I hate IM. If you then insist on IMing me I’ll assume not only that you’re typing one-handed, but also that all that ‘one-handed typing’ has made you so blind you can’t read.

I expect you won’t reply…

Why, do I look like an arsehole?

In all seriousness I get a fair few messages, mainly because I mention sex on my profile and men these days have reasonably low standards. But I don’t get so many that it’d be impossible to reply to all of them – I reply to about one in five – the ones that don’t break these rules.

Wow your so hot

If you can’t spot what’s wrong with this then I wouldn’t reply to you either.

Do you have a pic of your body?

Or, to say what you actually mean: “are you fat?”

That’s what you’re asking, so why not come out and say it? Well, because it’s fucking rude, obviously.

I’m not going to tell you whether or not I’m fat, just as I’m not going to suck my stomach in and stand in front of a mirror just so I can send a picture of my body to someone so shallow I’d definitely not fuck him in the first place.