This fabulous true story is written by EL Byrne, and originally appeared on her site – Lustitude. It is read here by Girl on the Net. 

When I arrive at his flat, my Sex Scientist is in the tub, his long lean body stretched out relaxing in the hot water, playing a trivia game on his phone – he’s winning of course. I settle into his flat, drop the food I brought in the kitchen, strip down to my panties, and go sit on top of the toilet seat. We spend a few minutes chatting and catching up on our week. I am always happy to enter our relationship bubble, turn off my phone, and spend this concentrated time connecting with him.

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Oh hey team, sorry to bother you. Quick question. Won’t take long. Just wanna sense-check something based on my own patterns of behaviour and whether or not they could be considered ‘normal’. Tell me: when should I stop masturbating over my ex?

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Note, before we begin, that this post is going to describe a rape fantasy. I use the phrase ‘rape fantasy’ instead of something softer like ‘consensual non-consent scene’ because I think it’s more accurate. As with any fantasy, the fact that someone enjoys it in their head does not mean they’ll necessarily enjoy it in real life, and so my writing should on no account ever be taken as a justification to do anything like this with your partners. Nor even, if I’m the one you’re fucking, should you take it as permission to do it to me. If you fully understand this, and you’re not going to be freaked out by the idea of that, let’s talk about why ‘sorry’ is the hottest word you can say at the moment of climax.

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I don’t know if I’m allowed to just invent a piece of sex etiquette, like I’m the editor of NSFW Debrett’s, but if I were allowed to do that, I’d suggest an etiquette rule like this: if you’re fucking someone with a butt toy in, and you have the ability to hold it there while you pound them, you absolutely should. So for instance, if we’re fucking doggy-style, one hand laid on my butt with a steadying thumb against the base of the plug (not pushing in, just holding still) will calm my anxious mind and mean I can focus on the shag rather than the worry that I’m about to inadvertently shoot it across the room. This rule brought to you by a woman who – no matter how safe the butt plug or how secure it feels in my ass, the second you start to plough away I will immediately panic that my lubed-up arse might accidentally blast it at your stomach like a rocket launcher. My top concern with anal toys is not whether they’re going to get in, but whether they might just slip out. That was my key concern with the Hot Octopuss Plex, and why I tested it in ways that may seem silly to you, but which for me formed vital anxiety-calming prep before I (hopefully) get to use this during sex.

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Have you ever tried to describe what your orgasms feel like? Back in the ancient days of this blog, I ran a competition to solicit descriptions of orgasms, and it was fascinating and joyful to see how people described each one. This week’s guest blogger is describing a type of orgasm I can’t ever experience, and so inevitably I was thirsty for detail and absolutely delighted when his post hit my inbox. Please welcome today’s fabulous guest, who’s here to tell you what a prostate orgasm feels like…

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