“She’s fucked so many guys, when we shag it’s like waving a stick in the Albert Hall.”

“Maybe her cunt’s normal and the problem is that toothpick you’re waving.”

Or maybe both dick and cunt are perfectly fine, and the problem is between your ears rather than in your pants. Let’s talk about bodyshaming and genitals.

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My partner told me recently that ‘confidence is sexy’, and I nearly fell off my chair. Confidence, is sexy, you say? Wow, I wish someone had told me twenty years ago, because if I’d known I’d definitely have magicked up some confidence rather than deliberately chosen to be awkward and ashamed of the way I am…

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I shave my legs every couple of weeks. My armpits more frequently – maybe once or twice each week. I pluck my eyebrows when I spot a stray hair, and get them threaded when I can brave the salon. Then occasionally I cover my neck, chest and stomach in hair removal cream, lie on the bathroom floor like a melting snowman, and wait for the hair to burn off. I have PCOS, and Sisyphus has nothing on me.

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Summer beauty tips direct from my horrible subconscious. 

Step right up, it’s summer! And my my, it’s a scorcher! You’ll be looking forward to going to the park with your friends, won’t you? Having a nice pint in a beer garden, or heading down to the beach? Before you do, though, there’s a bit of admin to get sorted. Firstly: shave your fucking legs.

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Answer the question quickly before you have too much time to think: which kind of dicks are better – growers or showers? ‘Growers’ meaning dicks which look fairly small when flaccid, but ‘grow’ a lot while they’re getting erect, ‘showers’ meaning dicks which get hard during erection, but ‘show’ most of their size even when flaccid. Which is better – grower or shower? Got your answer? OK, let’s get into this.

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