Many years ago I used to write for a website called The Debrief: a magazine-style site run by Bauer Media that has since disappeared. Thanks to my recent sex blogging anniversary (I’ve now been doing this for ELEVEN YEARS!) I’ve been taking a few trips down memory lane and contemplating how lucky I am to have spent so long making a living from what I can only describe as ‘this horny bullshit.’ The Debrief gave me a great start in freelance writing, and my editor allowed me the freedom to do some pretty awesome stuff: writing sex position guides which were entirely gender neutral (a practice that was rare in 2014, and which often got sub-edited back into ‘he’ and ‘she’ if I submitted similar pieces to other magazines); smashing stigma around things like period sex and discharge; writing articles about how to wank in front of someone without feeling like a complete tit; even getting to interview fucking STOYA. You know Stoya? Off of porn? I met her in real life! We chatted for ages about the problems with tube sites and I learned so much from her. I had a blast, that’s the point. And I got paid £100 per article for doing it. All the stuff I wrote for The Debrief disappeared along with the website, but it still exists in my email. And as I’m feeling nostalgic, I thought I’d share one of my faves. This is a piece I wrote in 2014, when I emailed a bunch of my ex partners and asked them to review my performance in bed. You’ve met some of these people on the pages of this blog, and I’ll catch you up on who’s who at the end. Here’s what they thought of my shagging skillz when I popped into their inboxes ten years ago to ask their opinion…

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This fabulous true story about fucking his hand is written by Charlotte Bayes and read as audio by Sherryl Blu. This is part 2, so catch up on part 1 – primed to fuck – if you want them in order. Note that this story contains consensual choking and rough sex.

Last week I missed my writing appointment. I rarely feel guilty about missing a commitment as I have very few morals and no conscience. But I did genuinely feel bad about it as I have come to really love spilling my guts to you about all my Dick Appointments, and going into detail about how I used to shove mascara wands up my fanny.

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This fabulous true story about being primed to fuck is written by Charlotte Bayes and read as audio by Sherryl Blu. Note that this story contains some consensual choking and rough sex.

Have you ever been really really fucked? Like the type of fucking you see in films or porn, where you are just left a shell of the person you once were, and you can’t move or speak. You’ve had the world’s best orgasms and the earth has been shattered? That was my holy grail, which I obtained last week.

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This fabulous casual sex story about getting savagely fucked by a reply guy is written by Charlotte Bayes, read by Sherryl Blu. Note that it contains some consensual choking. 

I do not wish to be perceived as desperate, but after a catalogue of bad experiences both on and off The Apps, I really didn’t know what else to do but to debase myself on Twitter dot com. Asking for a date at the very least on the ‘hell site’ might be able to at least bring some more like-minded people together as opposed to random swipes and hours wasted talking to seemingly normal men. Or men who seem normal at first then turn out to use curtains instead of bedroom doors in their houseshare. They made it very clear I had to try something else.

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This is a story about a woman having a wank. It’s important that I tell you this clearly right at the start. I would like you to imagine, please, a woman lying in bed with sex toys easily to hand, eyes closed and a sleep mask on for relaxation. Picture the corner of her mouth twitching slightly as she realises she’s conjured a sexy idea, then imagine the way she brings her fingertips to her mouth and spits softly, so she can start gently warming up her clit.

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