We’re in bed, getting down to it, and usually my one-track mind is laser-focused on what it will feel like when he slides his dick inside me. At the moment when I realise that’s not going to happen – he’s slowly softening and the look on his face switches from horn to confusion or embarrassment – I remind myself how lucky I am that I don’t ever have to worry about erections myself. Twenty years ago, if a guy went soft on me, my main feeling would be heartbreak: he doesn’t fancy me enough. I’m ugly. Unsexy. Incapable of teasing a boner from him. Ten years ago, I’d be annoyed: did he have a wank before we met up? Has he had too much to drink? These days, frustration and sadness have (thankfully) made way for a different feeling: relief that the pressure isn’t on me.

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I want you to ruin my life. Take the weak, thumping jelly of my heart and just… fucking… eat it. Yank it out of my body and hold it high in both your hands and laugh as you sink in your teeth. I want you to ruin my life.

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It is very very rare for me to stumble across weird sex that I haven’t already fantasised about, or seen elsewhere in porn, and as a result it took me a good long time to work out how to put this story down in words. 

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Hand on heart, I am not a huge fan of condoms. I think they play a vital role in keeping me safe if I’m fucking around, of course, but if I’m in a long term monogamous relationship I’d prefer to rely on my trusty IUD, and let the spunk fall where it may. So I’m not their greatest fan, but if I’m in a situation where it’s sensible to use condoms I’ll always use them, and try to focus on what makes condoms sexy rather than listening to the greedy slag who lives in the back of my brain thirsting, constantly, for jizz. If you’re with someone who doesn’t like condoms and is reluctant to use them, I figured I can give you a little advice in the form of the one question you should ask them. Or if you have a dick and it’s you who doesn’t like them, a question to ponder for yourself: which different condoms have you tried?

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As a connoisseur of jizz, I am always intrigued by what jizzers think of their own ejaculate. Some of the guys I’ve been with have been very happy indeed to taste their own spunk during a post-blowjob kiss, while others seem a bit unsure of it. So when today’s guest blogger got in touch to offer a post about the first time he tasted his own spunk, naturally I was very excited to hear from someone who could give a personal opinion on their own unique emissions. Also, you know, it’s really really hot to read about people tasting their own jizz. I assume you agree, or you probably wouldn’t be here. Take it away, Mr Big…

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