Sure, The Good Place is an excellent TV show. And yes, I have spent the last few months eagerly awaiting each week’s episode of Better Call Saul. But honestly, if Netflix were down, I could happily replace my weekly TV fixes with a different pastime instead: watching your dick grow hard through boxers.

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Meet the Cowgirl. The Cowgirl is a giant vibrator. In fact, it’s a vibrator so large it technically counts as furniture. A huge, saddle-shaped, sit-upon vibrator with power settings that range from ‘gentle crack massage’ to ‘is that a new crack in the ceiling plaster?!’ I squealed, I moaned, and I rode the fuck out of this thing. Only in my wildest sex dreams have I been so relentlessly fucked by a machine. Let’s get stuck into this…

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What do you get if you take six masturbation sheaths, two pairs of hands, a blindfold and a bottle of lube? Well, apart from ‘an excellent Saturday night’ you also get to learn some surprising new things about what makes a good stroker. Regular readers will know that I’m on a neverending quest to gather every possible piece of data on how to pleasure a dick. So naturally, strokers are one of my favourite sex toys. Having tested out a variety of them – from the Rolls-Royce pricey strokers to simpler, bargain strokers and even stroking machines I’ve customised myself – the time was ripe to inject a bit of science into the selection. Welcome to the Bargain Stroker Blind Wank Test.

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“She’s fucked so many guys, when we shag it’s like waving a stick in the Albert Hall.”

“Maybe her cunt’s normal and the problem is that toothpick you’re waving.”

Or maybe both dick and cunt are perfectly fine, and the problem is between your ears rather than in your pants. Let’s talk about bodyshaming and genitals.

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