Tag Archives: cock
Watches and wanking
He wears a watch, and it’s beautiful.
It frames his big hands so neatly, drawing attention to the curve of his wrists and the tension in his fingers as he grips his cock.
I don’t see it at first. It’s early, and grey, and Thursday. My brain’s only just kicking itself awake when I hear the telltale shuffle of him rubbing his cock in bed beside me.
The rustle of the covers. The tight breaths that go with a swift, functional morning wank.
Virtual reality porn: a deliciously pervy side effect
I’m going to talk more about virtual reality porn at some point. It’s a massive topic, with tonnes of scope for putting yourself in various amazing pictures, and I hope that as the tech comes down in price people will come up with yet more creative and exciting virtual reality porn scenarios. I’m secretly hoping I might be able to score work writing them, so hit me up if you’re a porn producer with a massive budget and a desire to branch out.
However. For now I want to tell you one thing that – since it was mentioned to me – has had me mesmerised with possibility:
Guys wanking while watching VR porn.
Yeah, I know. That sounds… obvious? But let me paint you a picture…
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One girl’s adventures in Cock Hero
Long-time readers will remember that a few months ago I got very excited by the concept of a Guitar Hero style game, but for wanking. It’s called Cock Hero, and the gentleman who discovered the idea and sent it to me very kindly gave me an in-depth explanation of what Cock Hero is, and why it is so fucking horny.
Essentially you masturbate in time to a beat, along to a montage of porn put together specifically to challenge you. It begins fairly softcore, and the beat counter at the bottom of the screen directs you in slow, occasional strokes. Then as the game progresses, the porn gets more intense and the beat counter speeds up, whipping you into a rhythmic frenzy until it’s all you can do to hold back on the inevitable jizzsplosion.
Naturally I was intrigued, and I have spent the next few months getting involved in Cock Hero on a casual gaming basis, because I like playing with dicks and I am lucky enough to know a guy who’ll let me have a go on his in the name of Friday-night fun. I thought I’d give you a run-down of my own tips and hacks, in case you fancy playing yourself. It is probably the niche-est article I have ever written, and it may only be of interest to me, so I have tried to spice it up with some detailed descriptions of wanking people off.
Ready? Let’s go.
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How to have the best orgasm ever (if you are me)
There are any number of sex writers who’ll tell you how to achieve the ultimate, mind-blowing, amazing orgasm. Unfortunately, the way your body works may not be the same as the way mine works, so I can’t promise you stars and explosions and earth moving unless you happen to be formed in exactly the same way I am.
What I can do though is tell you that the other day I had the Best Orgasm I Have Ever Had, along with some lurid and sticky detail.
Don’t tell me sucking dick is easy
Today a guy wrote a Vice article about why he doesn’t want to eat pussy. There are a number of things I could say in response to his article, mostly involving swearwords, and desperate pleas that he stop repeating the same tedious bullshit that comes out whenever any straight bloke thinks he has a Scorching Hot Take on the subject of eating cunt.
As a general rule, my opinion on cunnilingus is that it’s not really my bag, but I’ll enjoy doing it to a lady if I’m fucking her. If you want to eat it, tuck in, but I won’t shame you if you’d rather not.
However, what I DO object to is the implication that it’s far more onerous to ask someone to give cunnilingus than it is to ask for a blow job. In the piece, the author says:
“The penis is a simple thing – it’s hard to get things completely wrong.”
To which I reply: HOW FUCKING HARD ARE YOU SHITTING ME, SUNSHINE?