“Tribute wank” is a term that I was unfamiliar with until this week, making me think I should spend less time wanking myself and more time conversing with other humans.

A tribute wank is, from what I gather, a wank you have about someone in particular, which you send them evidence of later. It could be anything from phoning them to say “hey, I cracked a quality one off over you yesterday when I was thinking about the hot sex we had last week” to sending them an actual physical photograph covered in your own jizz.

The hotness

I once received a fantastic video from a guy which had – as most of my favourite videos do – his cock in it. He stroked vigorously for the requisite few minutes, just enough for me to start salivating a bit, then came nice and hard all over his hand. So far, so traditionally excellent.

But in the background of the video he had his laptop open, with a picture of me comfortably full-screened. He’d used one of the pictures on this blog, downloaded it, opened it in a new window then – most flattering of all – focused on it for the duration of an entire wank.

The not-so-hotness

So having established that I think tribute wanks can be really hot, I’m going to backpedal madly and tell you to think very very carefully before sending your delightful post-wank picture/video/text. Apart from the obvious problems (once it’s out there, it’s out there), you need to be really sure, before you hit the ‘send’ button, that the person at the other end will be pleased to receive it.

Even as a lover of hot pictures and homemade porn, there are certain things that will turn me off quicker than if you’d taped a picture of Jeremy Clarkson to your bellend. For instance, if you demand an immediate response, you might as well put your camera away and just chuck a bucket of cold water over my privates. Equally if you decide to send me something when I’m pissed off with you, I’m unlikely to leap joyously from my seat and shout “my God, what a touching kiss-and-make-up gesture, I must hump this man into a sticky mess immediately.”

So, if you’re tribute wanking over your partner, and you know they’d be keen to see the evidence, my advice would be to time it carefully: try not to send it when they’re in the middle of a conference call, or angry at you because yet again you’ve failed to do the washing up.

The downright awful

This might sound shocking, but many people just don’t want to be sent homemade pornography at any time. They’d rather you kept your dick/tits/arse/that cool trick you’ve just learned with a Hitachi magic wand out of their inbox.

I’d hazard a guess, based mainly on how many cock pictures I (sex blogger but basically a nobody) receive versus the number of cock pictures my friends (nobodies who don’t also happen to run a sex blog) get, that most of the cock pictures flying around the internet are unsolicited. That is to say, they are not sent between two consenting adults, but sent from one consenting adult to another adult they are really hoping will enjoy the picture.

I fully understand why you might find it hot to send your naked self to a stranger, but do you see the problem here? You can hope, you can wish, you can dream, but if you send any part of your anatomy to someone you don’t know, who has never asked you to send anything, you can’t guarantee that they want it.

So here lies my problem with tribute wanks: while some receivers find them amazing and sexy, I know a lot of people who would find them not just undesirable but awkward, horrible and downright terrifying. Others, of course, might enjoy receiving one from a person they really fancied, but wouldn’t extend this enthusiasm to everyone on their contacts list.

We receive spam all the time, and of course it’s easy to hit ‘delete’ or ‘unsubscribe’. But this is different. It’s not the equivalent of a delivery driver shoving some useless local pizza deals into your mailbox, it’s more akin to … well … a photo of an anonymous nob in your mailbox.

So, in conclusion, tribute wanks are like any other sexual act under the sun: some people like it, some people don’t. If you want to do it you need to make sure that the person you’re sending it to is not just ready but eager to receive it.

Note: I used to ask guys to send me pictures. It was amazing and lovely. I’ve since realised that was a bad plan, as I was inundated with pictures, many of which I didn’t have time to reply to and some I didn’t even have time to look at. I’m sorry. I have learned my lesson.

You’re all brilliant. I mean it – you’re gold-plated, top-of-the-range fantastic and I love you all. A month ago I asked people to have a go at describing their orgasms, in the form of some sort of competition (I haven’t decided the prize yet but trust me it will be highly desirable and worth at least a tenner).

There are still two days left to enter, so if you want to have a go, please leave a comment below describing your own orgasm (or do it on your own blog and send me a link so I can link to you, or email it to me if you’re shy), and I’ll include it in the final roundup. We’ll give people a chance to vote/comment on the final roundup then I’ll pick an overall winner. Finally, we will throw a street party in their honour (or, more likely, just have a bit of a love-in on the social network of their choice) and I’ll send them an awesome prize. Join in – you know you want to.

Describe your orgasm entries – round two

Rosa’s entry is an excellent place to start…

“I start to become really sensitive and twitch beneath my own hand, and I don’t know if I can handle such an intense sensation. It feels as though I am about to die, or come alive, or explode.” You can read the rest of the comment here.

Mal explains how hers almost always come from penetration…

“It begins as a series of long, sharp prickles around the clitoris, or as this unbearable hot sensation in my g spot and then, if it’s a gentle orgasm, feathers out delicately and I sigh and enjoy it with a soft smile.” Read more to see why she feels like she’s falling off a cliff.

The always-excellent N.Likes hits the ‘moment’ nail on the head:

“The first sensation was of a momentary vacuum of pressure – it was like that moment when you’re on a swing set and you reach the absolute peak of your arc: the swing isn’t going up any more, but it isn’t falling yet – it’s just hanging, suspended, momentarily immune from gravity or momentum.” His full description is worth a very thorough read.

Self-described ‘penis user’ (I love this phrase) Nick gives an incredibly vivid picture of how ejaculation feels:

“If you want to know what it feels like to ejaculate the best image I can give is to think of blowing bubbles into milkshake through a straw. That delightful welling up and out with occasions where you blow too hard and get it down your dress.” He then goes on to explain what makes the magic happen.

Ian’s got the build-up down beautifully:

“Something inside that makes me more sensitive, that makes every movement filled with a little more joy, and in amongst that an urge for something more: to increase the pressure, to keep increasing it, with each increase feeling better and better, until you reach the point where the only thing that would feel better than holding this delicious pleasure is releasing it.” Read the rest of his comment here.

Simon took a slightly different route and tried to describe a female orgasm:

“Those quiverings and tightenings deep within

The warm tingling that you can notice down below

As the hornier you get, the more this heat spreads

Imagining a fire burning deep inside you” His entry was submitted via email, but you can read the full thing here.

Inspired? Enter the orgasm competition

There’s still time to enter – I’ll close the comp for entries at midnight on the 26th of July. Leave a comment below, post your entry on your own blog, or email it to me hellogirlonthenet at gmail dot com and I’ll add it anonymously.

Cocks are beautiful. There – I said it. I think they’re not only hot in the traditional sense – i.e. in their potential to be used for doing sexy, sweaty, hot things – but in a more aesthetic way too.

I like the smoothness of the skin, the unique shape, length and girth of each one, and I think that the contrast in colour to the rest of a guy’s body highlights perfectly something that is worthy of individual attention.

The ‘last turkey in the shop’

The idea that the cock is a beautiful thing seems to be a relatively controversial one. On the one hand, there are people who are so enamoured of cocks that they’re willing to collect, curate and rate images of them. On the other hand, there are those who – when presented with these images – say that there’s something inherently hilarious about dick, or that it’s a shame the male sexual organs are either laughable or ugly.

Naturally, what someone finds beautiful is an incredibly personal thing. I, personally, don’t think that cunts are particularly pretty, but I accept that countless thousands do. One person’s work of art is another’s pile of rubbish. If you don’t want to sit down with me and scroll through hundreds of images of erect dicks, admiringly complimenting the features of each one, then I don’t think you’re a bad person.

But I do find it uncomfortable when people say ‘God, aren’t penises hilarious!’ and I look like a humourless arsehole for saying ‘no.’

Penis appreciation

There are a million different pressures put on women – be thin but not too thin, be sexy yet modest, remove some types of hair but not others. Similar pressures are creeping up on men as well – as is evidenced by the large number of guys on the lovely site of cocks who have completely shaved their testicles.

But I can’t think of any part of the female anatomy that is subject to the same treatment as the penis. Women are judged, certainly. But is there anything about us that is assumed to be universally funny? When we get out of the shower are our partners thinking ‘god, it’s hilarious how her tits, when not pictured in a sexual context, are comically ridiculous’? Are there people across the world flicking through Playboy going ‘I know it’s supposed to be sexy, but I just can’t look at a female arse without giggling’?

There’s no conclusion to this blog post, really, other than to say that I think cocks are beautiful. Whether they’re soft, and waiting for a gentle cupping hand to start massaging them to rigidity. When they’re being gripped firmly during a particularly powerful and sexy piss. Or whether they’re rock-solid and glistening slightly with pre-come, red and tight and thick and twitching…

OK, especially that last one. Seeing a glistening, naked cock makes me want to do many things:  laughing isn’t one of them.