I set out to find a date within twelve hours, using only my phone. Could I summon a man to come hang out with me on the same day I set up my profile, then get him to bang me sideways in the twin room of a Travelodge? If so, this would make for the most efficient dating experience of my entire life to date. How successful was I? Come find out!

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Normally I struggle when it comes to Valentine’s Day content, but this year I have a whole bunch of pent-up dating energy that I’m not really putting anywhere so roll up your sleeves because I reckon I’ve got a banger. Here are 12 cute and sexy date ideas for Valentine’s Day, complete with links to places you can buy stuff if you’re in the mood to get presents for your partners and want to support this site by buying from the people who help keep it alive.

Some of these links are sponsored, which means if you click through and/or buy you’re helping to support this website, and that is the BEST Valentine’s Day gift you could give me. THANKS!

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I read this one to Patreons in December, and it’s long, so here’s this post as audio if you prefer.

I have a message here for men. And before I get stuck into it, I’ll clarify (as I always have to) that obviously I don’t mean all men. In fact this time I don’t even mean ‘most’ men. I am speaking very precisely to single, straight/bi/pan men in London between the ages of about 30 and 50. My message is this: up your game.

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This gorgeous femdom dating fantasy is written and read beautifully by The Barefoot Sub, and originally appeared on her website. Note that it contains pain, spunk-milking and pegging.

Dating, what a nuisance it is. Or maybe it’s the looking for a date that I find so awful? Having to network, usually online, initially before meeting for a coffee at a neutral location. So much posturing, posing, preening. Being vulnerable and allowing others to see the real ‘you’ appears to be actively discouraged. So very far removed from who I am, not to mention being the opposite of what I want in a partner. That all changed when I met you.

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This fabulous true story about fucking his hand is written by Charlotte Bayes and read as audio by Sherryl Blu. This is part 2, so catch up on part 1 – primed to fuck – if you want them in order. Note that this story contains consensual choking and rough sex.

Last week I missed my writing appointment. I rarely feel guilty about missing a commitment as I have very few morals and no conscience. But I did genuinely feel bad about it as I have come to really love spilling my guts to you about all my Dick Appointments, and going into detail about how I used to shove mascara wands up my fanny.

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