I don’t want your unsolicited nudes or dick pics, but I do appreciate a good nude or dick pic offer from a guy I already know. The generosity of men often blows me the fuck away, and over the last six months or so, kind horny dudes have occasionally sent me shudderingly sexy messages which say something along the lines of: would you like a dick pic? Usually when someone offers nudes, a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ won’t quite suffice…

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Remember those urban legends about parents who’d find cigarettes in their teenagers’ bedrooms and force them to smoke an entire packet to put themselves off forever? That’s how I feel about dick pics. I’ve seen so many of them that even the most beautiful dick, framed and shot by the world’s greatest photographer, does little for me now unless it’s attached to someone I already have a raging crush on. But recently someone sent me a different type of picture, far better than a dick pic. So hot that opening the file felt like a punch in the cunt.

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Let me make myself crystal clear: I write porn so you can wank to it. I don’t expect all of you to do that, of course, but I know that some of you will, and that knowledge makes me ridiculously happy. I would be even happier if you chose to print some out and spaff all over it. Let’s talk about cum tributes…

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There are lots of reasons why you shouldn’t share pictures of your own dick with people who haven’t expressly asked to see it. This subject has been covered so much now that I hope those who have dicks understand exactly how not to be a dick about nude selfies/dick pics etc. But today I’m not talking to these people: I’m talking to people who receive dick pics and share them publicly because they want to shame the person who sent them. Brace yourselves because this might be a little bit controversial, but I’m hoping by the end of it I can persuade one or two of you that publishing someone else’s dick pic – however good your intentions – is not a good idea.

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