“I’ve been thinking of getting a cock ring,” my toyboy tells me, and I nearly reach through the screen and grab him by the collar as I bark: “do not even think about getting one that isn’t the Atom Plus Lux.” It’s the best vibrating cock ring I’ve ever used, by quite some margin, and my heart breaks at the thought of his burgeoning enthusiasm for sex toys being dampened by any lesser item. Besides, alongside other benefits of dating me (like my high-quality jokes and love of sucking cock), there are practical perks to dating a sex blogger too, namely: I’ll get you free cock rings if you flutter your eyelashes nicely.

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I’ve often said you can tell how good a sex toy is by how much effort you’re willing to go to in order to use it. If you’ve got a new vibrator but you left it drying by the sink in the bathroom, and couldn’t be arsed to go and get it before settling into a bedroom wank, chances are that isn’t destined to be your number one sex toy. Conversely, if you are willing to spend fully twenty three minutes trying to turn on a half-broken Zumio (as I did this one time), you know that toy is the star around which your best wanks orbit. By this rule, the Hot Octopuss Atom Plus was always going to be a firm favourite, because wrestling it onto a dick and then turning it on took a bit more time than your average cock ring, as did adjusting the settings once it was in place. The buttons were on the side of the cock ring, and you couldn’t easily press them while you were in the middle of banging. Despite the slight faff, my ex and I played with this toy A LOT – each and every fuck with it was a shining and filthy success. Time spent on fiddling with buttons was time very well spent. Luckily, spending so much time with someone’s dick outside of you so you can mess around with the intensity buttons is no longer necessary: Hot Octopuss have just relaunched the Atom Plus cock ring as the Atom Plus Lux, WITH A REMOTE.

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We’re in bed, getting down to it, and usually my one-track mind is laser-focused on what it will feel like when he slides his dick inside me. At the moment when I realise that’s not going to happen – he’s slowly softening and the look on his face switches from horn to confusion or embarrassment – I remind myself how lucky I am that I don’t ever have to worry about erections myself. Twenty years ago, if a guy went soft on me, my main feeling would be heartbreak: he doesn’t fancy me enough. I’m ugly. Unsexy. Incapable of teasing a boner from him. Ten years ago, I’d be annoyed: did he have a wank before we met up? Has he had too much to drink? These days, frustration and sadness have (thankfully) made way for a different feeling: relief that the pressure isn’t on me.

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I’ve always been quite fascinated by the idea of a hands free orgasm. I once found a video of a guy twitching his cock so the head rubbed gently against his stomach, over and over again, for ages, until he came in intense and powerful squirts all over himself. I watched that video so much that if it had been VHS I’d have worn out the tape. This is a fictional story based off an idea that occurred to me while I was out for a walk, which just kind of hit me and felt so ridiculously hot I had to write it to get it out of my head. I don’t know if it’s actually possible, but if you try it and it turns out it is, let me know.

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He can’t come. Not now. It’s three in the morning and we’re both exhausted. He can’t come. But I sit on his cock anyway.

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