It takes me six and a half minutes to fill the bath, and less than five minutes to come. This should be easy, right?

This sex story contains references to drowning, breath play and extreme domination.

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Today lots of people are angry about the Daily Mail front page, which shows a photograph of two powerful female politicians and invites us to speculate on their lovely, lovely legs.

It’s an embarrassing piece, no doubt, but rather excellent timing for me. Because today I have a guest blog from none other than a Daily Mail writer! Enjoy.

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There’s just one week to go until we open the doors to Eroticon 2017. Three days left to buy tickets. Seven days for me to write endless lists, phone co-organisers Molly and Michael in a panic, and eventually sigh with relief when I realise they are totally on top of things and I am just an anxious twat. If you can’t come to Eroticon yourself, here’s a great way to get involved and learn a little about the fabulous writers and speakers who’ll be there with us. The Eroticon Anthology.

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Is there anything in life more tedious than a conference call for a job you hate? You’re half involved in something you barely care about, and most of the people involved wouldn’t notice if you simply logged out. But – like fantasising about teachers during lectures – you can spice up even the dullest conference call with the addition of a dirty story…

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Six guys in t-shirts or shirts. Naked from the waist down. Me in a soft cotton top. No bra, no knickers, no trousers, no socks. We are the opposite of topless. And we’re perfectly dressed to play a game.

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