Tag Archives: fantasy

Do I have a smoking fetish?

I’m pretty obnoxious and annoying sometimes. I can be far too loud in some situations, and far too quiet in others. Sometimes I sit nervously in a corner checking my phone because I’m too shy to introduce myself. At other times, I drink a couple of pints in rapid succession to calm my nerves and end up saying things I wouldn’t say if I was sober. Both of these traits, along with many others, have caused me to miss out on opportunities to get laid. But none more so than one thing: smoking.

I smoke. And I kind of want to add ‘too much’ to that, but realistically smoking at all is usually too much when seen through the eyes of a non-smoker. When I was dating, the sheer number of people who’d write ‘I can’t stand smokers’ on their dating profiles, or tick the boxes that say ‘smoking is a dealbreaker’ means my pool of potential shag buddies was severely limited.

But smoking has also helped me get laid. Not because men see me across a crowded beer garden and go ‘oh look, her who’s too pissed to light the right end: she’s the one for me’, but because for the best part of my formative years, smoking was considered cool.

Which means that I have a really fucked up relationship with smoking and sex.

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Guest blog: Ain’t no man like mine ‘cept mine

What makes someone sexy? This week’s guest blogger  – Dee Emm Elms – lays down some significant truths about desire, via a really unusual crush. Her post is one of the best things anyone’s ever sent me, and I truly hope you understand why.

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Historical erotica take 2, and the inevitability of personal fantasy

Last week I wrote a bona-fide erotic story. One with two characters who definitely weren’t me, in a setting that wasn’t my lounge, partaking in a dirty fuck that I have never had myself. I very rarely write fictional stories. Of the nearly 400 posts on this blog, fewer than 1% of them are fictional.

But every now and then something in particular strikes me as gorgeously hot, and it’s something that isn’t possible to recreate in my life at that exact moment. Whether it’s sex with a stranger, a gang-bang of some kind, or the kind of sex that would require my own Tardis. This week (and last week and – thanks to my recent discovery of The Tudors – probably next week as well) the hot stuff comes wrapped in lace and frills. Tight stomachers, breeches, and hard leather riding boots. ‘My Lord’s and ‘Your Grace’s and posh people dismissing their hot servants with a casual wave of their hand.

Thing is, with any fantasy I have, it always seems to end up in the same place. Last week I wrote about a maid getting fucked by a duke – the cold barrier between two people of different ranks, and the easy and nonchalant way in which he shagged her, with the same proprietorial ease with which he’d order her to turn down his bed or scrub the fireplace.

And this one, despite the complete role reversal in terms of power, doesn’t fundamentally differ because… well… when I give my mind free reign to wander wherever it likes, it always pops back to a very similar place. Guy on top, girl getting used, urgent sweaty fucks performed for no reason other than a desperate desire.

Every now and then I get drawn into a discussion about whether you can shape your own sexual desires. Obviously you can’t change fundamentals, but some people assert that, by introducing yourself to new experiences or pushing yourself into new fantasies, you can mould your own fantasies into something different to what you’d normally go for. I strongly suspect you can’t. I certainly can’t. While I’ll embrace any number of filthy fucks, unusual fetishes, or brand new experiences, my core sexuality will never significantly change. From the first wank I ever had over the idea of pirates punishing a serving wench, to the last one I’ll have on my deathbed, I suspect the theme will remain:

Guy meets girl. Girl bends over. He uses her like that’s all she’s good for.

Now here’s the story.

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Guest blog: ‘The silhouette’ – an erotic story

Although I had a bash at some historical fantasy writing last week, one of the things there’s a real dearth of on my blog is traditional erotic fiction. There’s a reason for this, and that’s that I lack imagination. As a general rule, if it hasn’t happened in my bedroom, or appeared to me in a flash of arousal while I’m masturbating, it probably doesn’t occur to me. My fantasy characters are one-dimensional. They lack names, backstory, even faces. Beyond the vague reasons for them getting down to a hard fuck, they may as well be emotionless robots. Not very romantic, I know. So when Al sent through this guest blog, I thought it’d be an excellent opportunity to redress the balance. Something entirely fictional, and story-based. Something with a beginning, a middle, and an end that comes from a more interesting place than my furtive wank-induced fever dreams. In short: an actual erotic story. Enjoy.

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Thinking of someone else in bed – yes or no?

A friend of mine recently quizzed me on what I think about while shagging. Or, more specifically, who.

I’m drawing a blank, I’m afraid. I mean, it’s not like I go unconscious as soon as I get my kit off, but in terms of mental energy I don’t think I have more than is required to focus on what’s happening at any given moment. I’m not saying this to boast about how amazingly focused I am on sex – I don’t think ‘thinking about a celebrity arse’ is some sort of crime, for which you get a tick in the ‘bad sex’ column. I just don’t happen to do it.

Other people do though, apparently, at least according to my friend who – while humping a guy she didn’t really get that excited by – has lived a full and rich mental life in which she’s performed sex acts on most of her favourite TV stars and a few of mine to boot.

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