For a brief period in my otherwise sofa-based life, I used to go running. Stop laughing at the back. My boyfriend at the time was really into his running, and his enthusiasm for this activity infected me to the point where roughly three times per week I would put on my trainers and gamely wheeze my way along a river while he ran gracefully in front. It was absolutely horrible. Still. Occasionally – VERY occasionally – I managed to get into stride. For a few brief seconds, I’d bounce lightly on my feet, propel myself with power, and breath like a normal person. During those times I got a teeny flash of joy, and a revelation – this is what it must feel like to be GOOD at this! I got the same feeling recently, when going on top during a shag. The perfect rhythm, the right amount of bounce, and a sense that this is what it must feel like to be GOOD at this.

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Although there’s a part of me that wishes I could be more chilled-out, there’s another – much bigger – part that craves efficiency in everything. I want to cut down on time spent doing unnecessary shit, mainly to make more time for fucking. Bottom line: I am a very busy slag, and I thought I’d share some of my time-saving sex tips with you.

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Do me a favour: before you start reading this post, open this song in a brand new browser tab and hit play. Because I want to tell you what this song makes me do: grind heavily on the nearest willing hot guy and demand ‘I want to use your cock.’

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I could sit watching him wank forever – as he lies on one sofa, injured hand trying to wring an impossible orgasm out of his twitching, eager cock. A brief recap of where we left off on Wednesday: I’m sitting wanking on one sofa in the living room, my partner is wanking on the other, but his hand is injured so he can’t get the grip required to come. The sight of him frustratedly rubbing at his cock is so hot I came too quickly, but I’m stroking my clit and hoping for more because I just love watching him like this…

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I adore this week’s guest blog, for many reasons – not least because it is super-hot in it’s descriptions of some of the sexual details that I like to obsess over. But also because it’s devastatingly real: real-life fucking with all the quirks and kinks and troubles that come with it. It’s about sex, disability, and dealing with chronic pain and fatigue when you’re fucking. Take it away Alice…

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