On the list of ‘top 10 emails most likely to grab my attention’, shortly behind ‘free gin’ is the email that says ‘would you like a guest blog about cock?’

This week’s guest blogger is Rose Tinted Glasses – someone whose writing I have admired for a very long time. He writes witty, charming, filthy stories and has a way with words that makes me wish I was sitting in the pub sharing these things with him.

He emailed me to offer a guest blog about dick – specifically on the age-old question ‘does dick size matter?’ I’ve always wanted to get a guest blog on this topic from someone who has a penis of their own. If I had one I’d be too busy masturbating and weeing patterns on concrete patio slabs, but he has kindly taken time out from penis-based fun to give us a filthy and insightful view on size, and everything that goes with it.

Does dick size matter?

I am old enough to have not had the Internet around when I discovered porn. Like most British boys back then I first saw porn in magazines, dumped in hedgerows in the countryside. A cliché, but like most clichés, it was borne of some truth. That really did used to happen. Walking along a country lane you think ‘what’s that in the undergrowth?’ and when you have a look, you have hit paydirt. A glossy, filthy magazine – thrown away by someone who did not want to be caught with it at home. Word would spread around the village, ‘There’s a jazz mag out by the path along the main road’ or wherever.

I remember one summer holiday afternoon a mate asking whether I wanted to check out the one he’d found that week. Of course I did. So we rode out on our bikes, left them at the top of an embankment just off the road, and scrambled down the grassy bank to a path at the bottom. There was a hedgerow and, sure enough, a porn magazine hidden in the undergrowth. We crouched down and flicked through the pages. “I’m gonna have a wank.” announced my friend, then added “If I wank like this more often, will my dick get to be as big as yours?”

I hadn’t got a clue. I told him I didn’t know. That was the first time I was really aware that cocks come in different sizes.

I’m in my mid-thirties and I am, generally, pretty secure in myself – in my sexual preferences, my likes and dislikes, and definitely comfortable with my cock. I’m happy with being me. It’s not enormous. I’m not a porn star with a huge dong. It’s bigger than average, but not so large as to be a ‘big deal’. I have learned, for certain, that size isn’t good or bad. It’s just what it is. There is no such thing as ‘too small’ or ‘too big’. No such thing as ‘too curved’ or ‘the wrong shape’. People either fit together well or they don’t – and whatever your cock is like, there are people out there who it will work perfectly for. So perfectly they will be screaming your name and begging you to put it back inside them.

Our self-image is governed by the reactions and comments of others. Their perceptions are filtered through their own past experiences. It’s circular. Whilst sort-of-dating (but really more like sort-of-shagging-regularly) two girlfriends in our first year of university, one of them would tell me often how I was the biggest she had ever had, how much she loved it and how much it hurt, just a little, in that good way, when I was inside her. The other girl said quite the opposite. That my cock was ‘nice but not all that big’. Then again, she was able to swallow me all the way to the base of my shaft, so I took her at her word. A cynic might have thought that the former of the girls was lying to flatter me. I didn’t. I thought that they had just had very different past experiences.

My ex-wife was more experienced than I was, when we first met. She had been around. I mean that as a compliment – I admire a little experience and an open mind. She never complimented my cock, at all. She simply wasn’t impressed. We had talked about it, I forget why … and she just said that she’d had much bigger in the past. And it had hurt, to the point where it was unpleasant. Size really isn’t everything, guys.

Widening my sexual horizons over the years meant that I developed a bit more perspective on the size of my cock. You learn a lot about other guys’ dicks when you start enjoying threesomes, group sex, or going along to swingers clubs. Even more so when you get stuck in and play with some of the guys as well as the girls.

For example … there was a couple I had met at a swingers club. Only chatting, before everybody split off towards the bedrooms later on. They were friendly, and we stayed in touch online. The husband emailed me a few weeks later, saying that it was his wife’s birthday at the weekend and he wanted to give her a treat. Would I be up for calling round, along with as many other guys as he could round up, to gangbang his wife? I had no idea people actually used that word in the real world. Gangbang. It sounded like something you should only ever use in comedies. I am a sucker for new experiences though, so I said yes.

I followed the husband’s directions out to leafy suburbia on a quiet Sunday afternoon and knocked on the door. He answered, said hi, we shook hands, and he led me inside and straight up the stairs. “We’ve got ten guys, including you. More might turn up. I have to keep pulling these trousers back on to answer the door …” He pointed me through the upstairs rooms when we reached the landing. “That’s the bedroom, the bathroom, and the spare. If you can take off all your clothes in the spare room and just pile them up somewhere, then come through … I’ll see you in a minute.”

Now, I had been to sex parties before, but ten guys and one girl was a different matter entirely. Walking into a room full of strangers, naked, is an unnerving experience. We were all completely nude. Guys of all sizes and ages, standing around the perimeter of the bedroom. The husband had slipped out of his trousers, but still had a T-shirt on. He was the only one. His wife was kneeling in the middle of the bed, in the centre of the room. She was wearing a black lingerie set – nothing fancy, but nice. She was giggling and grinning from ear to ear. This felt weird, but not at all unsafe. Her obvious glee put me at ease. Nothing bad was likely to happen here. The husband laid out some ground rules. Sensible stuff. Condoms for penetration and if any of you are bisexual, please don’t freak out the straight guys in the room – this is just about giving her a treat, not you.

“Come on then.” said the wife. “Give me some cocks.” She reached to her left, for the nearest guy, and took his cock in her hand. He was halfway hard and she slowly stroked him all the way, then leaned over and took him in her mouth. A couple of the guys on the opposite side of the bed sort of looked at each other and shrugged, before climbing on to the bed. One positioned himself beside her and guided her spare hand to his crotch, the other knelt on the pillows at the top of the bed and gave her a slap on the arse cheek. She let the first guy’s cock go and giggled again. “Good start. Come on, the rest of you.”

I’m not here to tell you how that afternoon progressed in filthy detail (that is what my own blog is for), but it is a good way to talk about variety. We went from awkwardly standing around in various degrees of arousal to being a room full of hard cocks taking turns, anything up to five at a time, with the wife. When not joining in, most of us were standing beside, watching and wanking. There were guys with small cocks. Guys with circumcised and uncircumcised cocks. Guys with straight cocks, curved cocks, and even a couple of guys who couldn’t get it up. There was one guy with an enormous cock. Probably the biggest I have ever seen in the flesh. Long, thick, and kept rock-solid with a steel cock ring. He was taking poppers as well, which nobody else in the room wanted to join in with, despite his generous offers. At one point he was sliding his fingers into the girl’s cunt whilst I was fucking her – reaching between my legs with my balls slapping off his wrist and pushing two fingers in alongside my dick. I was thankful it was his fingers and not that massive cock.

I did learn something from that afternoon. (Aside from the welcome knowledge that being surrounded by other men didn’t stop me from performing, as it were.) I realised that despite the huge variation in cock size, and body shape … that girl was just as happy with every single one of us. She just wanted cock. She did not care if you had a big one or a small one. They were all good. (Which sounds like a certain Girl On The Net we all know and love.) And she was right. I have gone down on guys in my time. I don’t care if yours is smaller than mine, it’s still going to feel hot as hell wrapping my lips around it and making you come.

Did you enjoy that as much as I did? Then please do visit his excellent blog – Rose Tinted Glasses – and follow him on Twitter. I agree with most of what he says, although I have to take exception on the phrase ‘gang bang‘ (it is one of my favourites). But on dicks? They’re beautiful – long, short, fat, thin, curved in any direction: there’s more variety than Heinz. Ironically, one of the few areas in which men tend not to differ is in their attitudes towards their own dick  – firstly that they worry about it, and secondly that they rarely ever need to.

One of the best things about knowing someone well is that you understand their intimate fantasies. The things they tell you that they’ve never told anyone else. “I want someone to do this,” uttered with a slight nervousness and possibly a blush. I love being close enough to a guy that, when a particular scene appears on TV (police bundling their latest arrest into the back of a van, for instance) he can nudge me, whisper things in my ear, and know that it has pushed the exact buttons of one of my darkest fantasies.

This week’s guest blog comes from a couple, but with a bit of a twist. He has written a story tailored perfectly to her tastes. Something he has crafted based on all the things he knows she loves, and fantasises about. When he sent it through to me I wondered if he had accidentally wandered into my own head. Before we begin, I’m going to tell you that this story is quite extreme. It involves pain, group sex, and some utterly filthy stuff. Some of us like that, some of us don’t, so if you might be triggered by it please don’t read.

If, however, you like the idea of writing porn that is specifically tailored to one person, feel free to take up the challenge he’s laid down: can you write something for someone you know that is so perfectly tailored to the things they like that they can’t help but be aroused? Here’s his contribution…

Someone else’s story: highly personalised erotica

She’s alone in the room. She can hear their voices, muffled by the walls. They blend into one another, and all she’s left with is noise and anticipation. She tries to count them; to figure out how many there are, but she keeps losing track. She’s lying on the bed, eyes blindfolded, skin prickled. Her body scarcely covered by a red thong and bra. She’s breathing heavily. Her heart pounding in her chest.

Any minute now.

She tries to catch glimpses of the room, but her movement is limited. He told her to lie there on her stomach and wait. So, that’s what she’s doing. He told her not to move, so she doesn’t move.

She hears laughter from the outside. She doesn’t know how this will go. She doesn’t know whether she’ll like it or hate every second; but this is what she wanted. She asked for it, and now he’s giving it to her. She’s terrified, but the slickness between her thighs betrays her excitement.

The room is bare. The bed, covered in a simple plastic sheet, lies in the middle of the room, leaving space for movement around its four sides. There is a tarp on the floor. The light overhead is stark and bright. There are no candles or soft shadows here. There is nothing romantic about this. This is functional.

She hears the door click open, and the sound pours in from the rooms beyond. She hears men speaking, but doesn’t recognise their voices. They’re joking and laughing, and she can hear the pauses when they take sips from their drinks. She hears the tarp crinkling beneath their feet as they approach her. She’s not sure how many are in the room. She counts three, maybe four voices, but there are more outside.

She wants to ask who they are, but that would be against the rules. “Speak only when you’re spoken to.” That was what he’d told her earlier. Speaking now would defeat the purpose of the whole exercise.

The men keep chatting. They’re casual, as though there’s nothing unusual about this. None seem to notice, or acknowledge her. She’s invisible. Suddenly she feels a hand grab her ass. She breathes in quickly, and holds it. The gesture is somewhere between hard and rough. He pinches her ass cheek, and pulls it to one side. Another touches her on the stomach, sliding fingers across her skin. They’re sampling her; talking among themselves the whole time. The hand on her ass moves down between her thighs towards the slickness. Her breaths are shallow and fast. The men keep chatting, but she hears them spreading out now. There is at least one man by her head, and one to her side, and one, maybe two, by her feet. The hand between her thighs moves toward her cunt. He pushes the panties to one side, and she feels a finger push into her. Separating her. Opening her up. She gasps and pushes her face down into the mattress. His fingers move in and out quickly, her cunt increasingly drenched. She’s about to come, when she hears a zipper being undone somewhere close to her head, and a hand grabs the back of her hair, and pulls her head up. His cock is already hard when he pushes it into her mouth. She wraps her lips around it, and moves her tongue along the lower side.

“Suck it.” His hand is holding the back of her head, but it does nothing. He’s given her an order, and she follows it. She moves her head forward and backwards, faster and faster.

“Use your hands.” She reaches up and wraps her palm around the base of his cock, and starts moving in the opposite direction to her mouth. She twists her palm with every movement. She hears him breathing deeper, harder now.

A finger runs up from the small of her back to the nape of her neck. Her skin prickles, and she struggles to concentrate. Her cunt is slick and the finger inside it slams back and forth, faster and faster. She wants to come.

The man at her head pushes his cock deep into her mouth, and she feels herself gag. She wants to stop, to resist, but she doesn’t.

“Fucking take it!” He pushes hard on the back of her head as he jams his cock down her throat. She does as she’s told. She feels him wrench her head off of his cock, and he slaps her quickly. She doesn’t expect it, and lets out a whelp. He pushes his cock back into her mouth. She reaches up and starts jerking him off again.

She tries to concentrate on his cock, but the man at her cunt, or maybe one of the other men has started to pull down her thong, exposing her ass. She feels a finger sliding between her cheeks, playing with her asshole. She clenches, but he keeps at it. She hears the sound of a zipper and a belt, and fabric, and she realises that someone is taking off their pants. Strong hands grip her waist, and pull her back toward the edge of the bed. The man at her head pulls his cock out of her mouth and releases the back of her head. Her feet are on the carpet now, her body bent at a right angle over the bed. She feels the man behind her pull her underwear to one side, and then she feels his cock slide into her. She’s wet enough that there’s no resistance. She moans, and then she hears someone tell her to shut up. The man behind her lifts her body up so that she’s standing. She can feel his cock slamming into her again and again. Her cunt envelops him, and she imagines what it must look like. Someone grabs her bra and pulls it down forcefully. They grab at her tits and pinch her nipples and she moans again. She feels weight on the bed in front of her, and then another slap across her cheek.

“Shut the fuck up.”

Someone spits in her face, and then grabs the back of her head and forces it hard onto a cock. She reaches up to jerk it off, but she struggles. It’s hard to focus, to concentrate. The cock in her cunt feels as though it will tear through her. The cock in her mouth chokes her. Her nipples are sore from the fingers gripping them.

“Jerk it, you fucking slut!” She reaches up and wraps her hand around the cock in her mouth. She struggles, but she does whatever she can to get some sort of rhythm going. She takes him as deeply as she can, and she feels bile and spit pouring from her lips. Her eyes water beneath the blindfold, and she pictures the mascara running down her cheeks. His breathing becomes increasingly frantic, and he pulls the cock from her mouth, and starts jerking himself off, and she feels hot streams of come splattering across her face, blindfold, and lips, and he pushes his cock into her mouth for the last few spurts and she tastes it, hot on her tongue, and he tells her to swallow, and she does just that.

She feels a hand push hard against her back, grabbing at the remains of her bra, and her face slams into the mattress and the man behind her fucks her as hard as he can. She hears the sound of her bra rip, and soon she can’t feel it around her. He pushes down on her back, and forces her into the mattress. She feels the early waves of orgasm begin to flow through her. He slaps her ass once, twice, three times, four times, and she feels tears streaming from her eyes now as she comes on his cock, and then he hits her again, and his cock hurts as he slams it into her, but her cunt clenches around him as she spasms and, with a final violent thrust, she feels him pulsing and twitching as he comes deep inside her. He remains there for a moment, recovering himself, before pulling out. Her body is a mess of spasm, but she has no time to recover before she feels someone else take his place, and her cunt, drenched in her juices and filled with another man’s come is occupied with a new cock.

Her ass, already sore from the beating, hurts even more when someone pulls the thong violently and tears it away. She’s naked now. She feels a finger pushing into her ass, and she gasps. He isn’t simply playing with her asshole, he’s trying to finger her. She feels him stretch her open, and although it hurts, she pushes back onto him. He has large hands, with thick fingers. She can almost count the knuckles as they slide into her, and there she lies, filled in from behind, pressing back onto this new man as the waves begin again. She comes on his cock and his finger, and suddenly he grabs her hair and pulls her body up violently and calls her a slut, and although she is in pain, he fucks her hard. That’s when she feels someone standing in front of her, and someone else starts to slap her tits and grab at her body, and all of a sudden there is a hand around her throat and her breathing is cut off. She becomes delirious, and struggles, and wants to cry out, but she can’t and she comes again, harder this time; her orgasm punctuated by the suffocation and just then the hand around her neck releases and she breathes in deeply and tries to recover, remembering how good it feels to have air.

Someone hits her across the face, harder than she wants, and calls her a cunt, and tells her to open wide, and then she feels a stream of hot liquid splashing across her face and into her mouth, and when she realises that someone is pissing on her she wants to close her mouth, and to run away, and she almost does, but they told her to open wide, so she keeps it open, and she sputters and gags, and almost throws up, but she does as she is told.

Then the man in her cunt pulls out and pushes her aside. She feels him lie down on the bed, and then someone lifts her up and sets her down on him, facing away. She feels his cock pushing against her asshole, opening her up, and sliding inside her. It hurts, and she whimpers, but she doesn’t say anything. Her eyes sting from the mascara. Her mouth tastes of piss and come, and her nipples are red from the pinching. Her body is drenched in sweat. She is sure there will be bruises around her neck. This isn’t tender or gentle or kind. This isn’t an evening of romance. This is what she wanted. She is their toy. A set of holes to be used and filled and defiled. This is what she’d asked for.

She feels his cock slide deep into her until the point that she is sitting on him. He grips her waist and starts moving her back and forth and tears stream from her eyes as he fucks her in the ass. She reaches down to touch herself, to help push herself over the edge, but someone slaps her hand away. She reaches back to touch the man behind her, but someone slaps her face hard and she half screams. Then she feels someone move in close to her. She can feel the heat from their body. They grab her legs and lift them up, exposing her cunt. Her thighs are covered in juice and come, and she is slick. Fingers push into her mouth, and they grip tightly, half down the back of her throat. She feels a cock sliding into her cunt, and she winces as she feels herself completely filled, and stretched. The man in front of her pushes in, as the other pulls out. She hears the sounds of other men in the room, and realises that they must all be gathered to watch the show. This makes her feel something, and the waves of orgasm wash over again, and she comes quickly. She pushes back onto any cock that will take her and tries to hold onto the waves as they crash over her again and again, and the fucking grows increasingly frantic, and the fingers in her mouth are making it hard to swallow, and she is drooling, and her chest is covered in sweat, spit, come and piss, and her body is sore, and in spasm, as she imagines the two men inside her, and their cocks touching deep within, and their shafts rubbing up against one another, and their balls smacking together and she wishes that she could watch them fuck; watch them writhe together, and as she thinks about this she spasms deeply once again, and this forces the man in her cunt over the top, and he pulls his cock from her and jerks off onto her stomach, in long, hot spurts. She imagines the come spraying and splattering onto the guy behind her, and she wishes that she could watch them lick it off of one another. The thought is lost when someone grabs her, and picks her up, and the cock slides from her ass, and she feels empty all of a sudden. She is forced to her knees, and she becomes aware that the men are now surrounding her. She can hear the sounds of them jerking off, and she knows what will be next. One by one, they come all over her. On her face, her chest, in her mouth, and her hair. The man who had been in her ass tells her to open wide, and he forces his cock into her mouth, and he tells her to suck him dry, and she does. She grabs his cock and jerks him off as well, and with her free hand she plays with his balls, kneading them, somewhere between gently and rough. She runs a finger back towards his asshole, and she gently pushes into him, fingering him as she sucks his cock, and he comes hard and deep into her throat, and afterwards he calls her a good girl.

There is the sound of rustling clothes and belts, and zippers and the men start talking among themselves as they dress. They laugh and joke, and soon the voices move into the other room. They don’t say a word to her, but she remains on her knees, waiting at attention.

“Do as you’re told.” He said before all of this had started, and so she simply waits. She wonders if they will come back for another round a bit later. Part of her hopes not. Her body is sore. Her cunt aching. She can barely breathe without her throat burning. Nonetheless, if they come back, she will do it again, regardless of how her body feels. She will find a way. There’s no doubt in her mind. The other part of her, the part that wanted this in the first place, can’t think of anything better.

If you’re now panting and post-orgasmically exhausted having read right to the end of that, then you probably have similar tastes to this guy’s partner – and indeed me. Those of you who read my Christmas fantasy from ages ago will understand why this ticks so many of my ‘holy fuck that’s horny’ boxes. If you fancy having a go yourself, check out my guest blog info and get in touch. I’ll add my contribution to the ‘Write Your Own Smut to Turn on Someone You Know’ project as soon as I can see straight again.

I wrote an entry a very long time ago about sexual bucket lists, and compiled a list of things I have always wanted to do. So nervous was I about one particular item on the list that I never published it. Revisiting that post now, I realise two things:

1. I have actually ticked one of these things off the list. Reach for the stars, people.

2. There is clearly one sexual fantasy that I don’t want to tell any of you about.

3. I’ll tell you the third thing at the end.

Anyway, with all this in mind, here is a list of things that I have always desperately wanted to do.

Wank a guy off with a sheath

My hand jobs will never be as good as your hand jobs – you know your cock much better than I do. But what you don’t necessarily know is the feeling of a well-engineered, lubed-up sheath that is tight, tight, tighter than the grip of my own hand. I want to wank you off to completion in a way you haven’t done yourself.

[Achievement unlocked! Collect fifty sex points, do not pass Go]

Gang bang

Obviously. Having thought about this a lot, I think the ideal number of guys is four, but if anyone has experience of this and would like to give me explicit and detailed advice in the comments, I would love to hear/rub one out over it.

Fuck a girl with a strap on while a guy fucks me in the ass

I want to know how it feels to fuck a girl – to be the powerful, penetrating one. However I recognise my nature well enough to know that I wouldn’t particularly enjoy it unless there was a guy there as well, and we all fancied each other.

I want to feel her squirm under me as every time he pounds my ass he forces my fake cock deeper inside her. I want to feel our tits squashing against each other as he leans his full weight on both of us. I want for her, and I, to come before him, so we’re ready to stop and ready to finish, but remain panting and twitching with post-orgasmic happiness as he speeds up and rams his cock further into my ass until, finally, he blows his load and says ‘good girls’ before heading off.

[Redacted]

No, really, I’m just not going to tell you this one.

Double penetration

This pretty much does what it says on the tin. I want to feel two guys almost touching each others’ cocks as they fuck me. Specifically, I want to sit down on a guy, ass-first, then wriggle in surprise as he grabs me and tips me back, lifting my thighs and grabbing at my legs to hold them apart.

Another guy moves forward, stroking his dick – spitting on the end to make it nice and wet. As I’m squirming on top of the other, he leans forward and pins me by my neck, pushing me back down onto the other guy, who forces his dick up harder and deeper into me. Then the second shifts forward, pushing himself deep into my cunt, grunting at the tightness as he fills the little remaining space.

As with most threesomes, I’ve found it’s not hard to find people willing to do it, it’s just hard finding people willing to do it who all fancy each other.

Be used as a group fucktoy

This is explicitly not the same thing as a gang bang, and anyone who insists it is will be required to take a long and arduous tour of the section of my head entitled ‘fantasy pedantry’. A gang bang requires the immediate and sustained presence of at least four dudes, all having sex with me at once. Being a fucktoy, on the other hand, simply means being used as a tame and compliant receptacle for the jizz of a number of different guys.

The difference in the scenarios can be illustrated thus: a dinner party with four guys and a girl, in which the end of dinner is celebrated by tearing the girl’s clothes off and all fucking her at once. That’s a gang bang. A fucktoy, on the other hand, might be employed giving blow jobs individually to one guy during the starter, being bent over the table by another guy just before mains, while the other men look on and chat casually. As dessert is served, one of them gets a bit horny and invites her to come and sit beside him on her knees, so he can pull out his cock and masturbate with swift and efficient purpose, emptying himself with hot squirts into her mouth. Our final gentleman doesn’t necessarily have to do anything. He can sit back, with a full belly and a rock-hard cock, while the others eat their Eton Mess (simple recipe, can be prepared in advance so as not to take up valuable sex time), casually fondling the fucktoy’s tits as a brief postprandial treat.

Later in the evening, as everyone gets more relaxed, they strap her over one of the arms of the sofa so that each of them, when the need takes them, can fuck her in either her ass or her cunt, alternating between filling her with hot spunk, and simply putting their dick somewhere warm for a while. Grunting, slapping, and casual usage of a horny girl who’ll eventually be sent home alone.

Have someone jizz on my feet

I have no idea why I actually want to do this. I don’t have a particular thing for feet, and I have never met a guy who has. I just like the uniqueness of it – the idea that someone might like feet so much that he wants to come all over mine. There’s also the combined joy of being able to watch a guy wank himself to completion, in a desperate, frothing way until he gets to jizz on something unusual. Finally, once he’s spent and dry I can rub my feet together and feel the viscous stickiness drying between my toes.

Why bother with a bucket list?

The final thing I realised, having revisited this List of Dreams about a year after I actually wrote it, is that the idea of having a Sexual List of Dreams is a little bit odd. Sure, we all have one or two things that we’d quite like to try out, but writing them down in list form seems to give them a different, more significant status. Despite potentially being relatively easy to carry out, being On The List affords them mythical status – the ‘things I have always wanted to do’ as opposed to simply the ‘thing I quite fancy trying tonight.’ I mean, look at the final entry on my list – foot-jizzing, for crying out loud! I could tick that one off this evening and never think of it again. So why haven’t I?

Probably because, although it’s hot, and would no doubt be hot if I were to do it, it’s mainly hot because of the ‘oh holy shit that’s unusual’ element rather than because it’s inherently desirable to me. Although these things are exciting, most evenings what I fancy most is a bog-standard, pull-your-knickers-down-and-we’ll-do-it-in-the-hallway shag. I suspect that if every evening I was interrupted by half a rugby team naked from the waist down and ready for a gangbang, the novelty would wear off in a couple of months and I’d be begging for a quiet one-on-one fuck on the sofa.

Sexual bucket lists are all very well, and I’ll no doubt be patting myself on the back when I tick the next thing off, but their value (on my list, in any case) lies in their uniqueness, their special qualities. Just as no one wants to swim with sodding dolphins every morning, most days I’m happy with a wank.