I get email – lovely, sexy email from boys who have sent me a cock picture. [Note: I no longer use the cock pictures email address – please don’t send me your pictures as chances are I won’t have the opportunity to look at them all or reply – this post explains why]

I wake up almost every morning to at least one new image of a rock-solid dick trapped in boxers, gripped in sweaty hands, or – if I’m really lucky – dripping huge white goblets of jizz all over anonymous fingertips. Delicious.

However, unfortunately a lot of these pictures are accompanied by an email that says one of the following things:

What do you think?
Tell me what you do when you see my pic.

Or, in a few rather memorable cases:

Give me a mark out of ten?

I’m not going to rate your dick

There are two reasons why I’m not going to rate your dick. Firstly and most importantly, by what criteria am I going to rank it? Length? Width? Rigidity? Beauty? Any individual cock can tick one, many or all of these boxes. But I’m not going to say that this dick is better than that dick on the basis of a blurry cameraphone snap – that just wouldn’t be fair.

Some pictures I’m sent are beautiful because your cock is positioned in just the right way – gripped tight in one hand and stretched out from your body. Some are beautiful because you’ve got the lighting just right or you’ve trapped it beautifully in the waistband of your boxers so I can see it bulging out against the fabric. Others win my approval because they include your face, staring sultrily (yes, that is an actual word) down the camera lens, and I can imagine the horny face you make when you twitch and come. Finally, some pictures are top of the ‘wank bank’ list because the cock in question is either exploding with, or covered in, your own sticky jizz.

I am far too biased

The second reason I’m not going to rate your dick is probably apparent from the paragraph above: I am a passionate fan of cock of all shapes and sizes, rather than a discerning conoisseur. While other dick-appraisers might give and deduct points for various things, like a wine expert rating flavour, consistency and scent, I’ll be running around the bargain section of Tescocks throwing all the different cheap penis-wines into my trolley. It’s just not a fair test.

There are loads of things that can enhance the beauty of an individual cock picture, but for me the only things I really care about in any given snap are:

1. It has a dick in it.
2. It is sent to me.
3. It has a dick in it.

Thank you one and all

In case the above has made me sound like a horrible bitch, I don’t resent your asking: I understand why, upon taking the trouble to get all hard then take a hot picture to send to a sex blogger, you’d want a little something in return. I feel bad that not only do I not have the time to reply in depth to everyone that emails me, my replies are often incredibly brief and more than a little tardy.

[Edited to add: having received so many penis pictures that they now all blur into one, and received a not insignificant number of emails bollocking me for not giving people the response they require, or not giving them a swift enough response, I now have to stop. Or rather, beg you to stop. Please stop sending me your pictures.]

You all get ten out of ten.