When my partner is sad, he wilts like a plant. I can sometimes tell he’s sad, despite him putting in his best efforts to try and make me think he’s fine, and for a long time I struggled with knowing how to cheer him up. The kind words and reassurances and ‘I love you’s that usually work on me have very little effect on him. But I think I’ve cracked it now – the closest I can come to a ‘cheat code’ for love. His ‘love language’: cuddles.

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Sometimes my sexy blogs end with an orgasm. Other times they don’t. Sometimes they are neatly rounded off with a Scrubs-voiceover-style conclusion, wrapping up the whole experience with a neat and quotable line about love or empathy or deep-throating or what have you. But other times I leave them hanging, like on a recent post about getting fucked by a machine which ended just as I started speculating on whether my partner’s dick could fit inside me while I rode it. Someone in the comments said they’d like to know what happened next, and seeing as this is a question I get asked a lot about the sexy blog posts, I thought I’d have a crack at answering it.

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It’s that time of year again, in which I get to let my inner creepy goth out and write some Halloween erotica. Last year I did sex with zombies, the previous year it was a succubus (sort of), and this year – thanks to suggestions and ideas from some lovely people on Twitter – I’m tackling a creature from the deep. If you’d prefer to listen rather than read, it’s also available as audio – click ‘listen now’ above, or head to the audio porn page if you’d like to hear more sexy stories read aloud. I’m always a bit nervous and uncertain about writing fiction, but these Halloween erotica pieces are always a genuine pleasure to write, so I hope I can manage to give you a creepy shiver or two.

Content note: this story is written for Halloween, and is designed to be a tale of creepiness with a bit of sex thrown in. As a result it contains some themes that you might find disturbing: references to drowning, self-harm and suicidal ideation.

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Sure, The Good Place is an excellent TV show. And yes, I have spent the last few months eagerly awaiting each week’s episode of Better Call Saul. But honestly, if Netflix were down, I could happily replace my weekly TV fixes with a different pastime instead: watching your dick grow hard through boxers.

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Over the course of the last week three – THREE – men have asked me how they go about getting invited to a gang bang. Two of them have been quite specific about exactly the kind of gang bang they want. I get asked questions like this quite frequently, so I’m going to answer this one now: here’s how to get invited to a gang bang.

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