Continuing the series of erotic fiction set on tube trains (I heart TfL), here’s some aching, surreptitious fucking on the Victoria Line. Note that this story is fiction. Don’t do it in real life. 

The carriage is already rammed by the time we get on – him, me, a few friends. All of us slightly tipsy from the gig, but eager to continue the night back home in Walthamstow. Home, where the booze has been pre-bought from Tesco and we don’t have to queue behind Gen Z amateurs at the bar. The train is packed by the time we get on but we squeeze down to the end of the carriage anyway. When someone gets up to push past us, in deference to his ever-present backache I offer my boyfriend the seat. Then, because my feet are hurting and I’m a little bit pissed, I sit on his lap.

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We’re both quite sweaty, that’s the first thing. This picture is all the hotter because of that. There’s a light sheen on the side of his face, but I – as ever – am the sweatiest. Hair in wet curls plastered to my neck and forehead, the white shirt I’m wearing absolutely drenched to near transparency. The photo was taken at a fun, bouncy gig. We’d been dancing.

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The first time he says it, he makes a face as he utters the words. Not in disgust, but definitely discomfort, as if he’s not used to saying them. The phrase might sound weird to his ears, but it’s wonderful to mine: good girl.

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Note: this post contains minor spoilers for the filthy scenes in Saltburn. Which I (obviously) loved. 

I’m not going to do it.

Damn right you’re not going to do it. 

Even though… there isn’t really any harm in doing it?

Don’t you dare do it.

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Sometimes dicks don’t get hard when you want them to. Yours stays soft sometimes, right? If you’re drunk, high, stressed, distracted by a squirrel or whatever? Annoyingly, society has told you that not being able to achieve full-mast, cast-iron boners whenever you want to is shameful, even though it really obviously isn’t because it happens to everyone. Seriously, every single person with a dick has had trouble with it at some point – it won’t get hard, it gets hard at inappropriate times, it comes sooner than you’d like or doesn’t come at all, you know the drill. And some of you, when your dicks don’t do what you want, lean on a little external help. If you come too quickly, you might try wearing a thicker condom. If you can’t get hard, you might pop a Viagra. It’s totally fine, loads of people do it, and I (a 39-year-old woman with a ravenous cunt and a lot of love to give) am here to tell you that I will not shame you for taking one. In fact, like many sexual things to which we usually attach shame, I would like to take that bullshit societal script and utterly pervert it. The next time you reach for a blue pill, please tell me you’re about to take one, so together we can make it kinky. Here’s how to take a Viagra, sexily.

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