This is a fantasy about a porn cinema that I wrote ages ago, for reasons I can’t remember. I like things that are simultaneously sexy and grotesque – like the blow job/dripping sandwich fantasy. That’s my way of saying the following story might be weird. And maybe disturbing. And creepily voyeuristic. Alternatively it might not be, and the fact I’ve waited six months to publish it has been a complete waste of my mental energy.

If you asked me to write my own future, I would write the following story. Then you’d wish you’d never asked, and I’d have to burn it, and we probably wouldn’t be friends any more because the whole thing would get awkward.

Anyway. Some erotic fiction. Or a disturbing vision of my distant future. Don’t judge me. Let’s go. 

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Yesterday, Deborah Orr wrote in the Guardian about ‘creepy’ sex robots. She began with a statement from Noel Sharkey – a robotics professor at Sheffield Uni – who earlier in the week had terrified people by claiming that one day people might lose their virginities to robots. Shock! Horror! Misery! Woe! Another way to perpetuate the myth of virginity as a valuable jewel which people must save to give to someone special!

Deborah questioned this, which is good, but she then launched in to a lot of the same disappointing fearmongering about sex tech that I’ve seen before. Let’s have a look. And then a rant.

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I’ve wanted to publish something about 3nder for a really long time, so I was delighted when Jenny Guérin got in touch to say she was working on a piece about threesome advice – based on her dates with couples on 3nder. 3nder is a hook-up app which allows you to create a profile as either a couple or a single person. A dating app, essentially, but for threesomes.

It’s been incredibly popular, because it’s a great app and because (in my opinion) many more traditional dating apps are bizarrely prudish about what they can be used for. Tinder, for instance, got really angry when Vanity Fair called it a hook-up app. Yet bizarrely – and to my mind misguidedly – Tinder is suing 3nder and demanding it be shut down, because ‘users might get confused.’ Way to crush the little guy, Tinder! And look like a complete dick! And prevent people from meeting for threesomes! Blergh. I’ll write more on this soon.

For now, though, I’m delighted to welcome Jenny (follow her on Twitter here and check out her blog), who’s got some great threesome advice that she picked up – all courtesy of 3nder.

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On Sunday morning when I slipped back into bed, I realised something: your body changes on a daily basis, and so I will never know every inch of it. It is always new.

From the scent of you, to the heat you radiate, to the marks and curves that come and go: I will never know every detail of your body.

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How did I chat people up before? When I was single, and I had to put some effort in beyond just saying “Your dick. My mouth. Now”?

I think I probably started with a hint: a story about this one time at college, leading to a detailed breakdown of who did what. But where there were strangers, now there’s one guy. Where there were hints, now there’s directness:

“Your dick. My mouth. Now.”

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