Remember a few months ago when I turned my Fleshlight Launch into a spunk-milking machine? Well, I decided I needed a new project, so I got stuck in to some more kinky DIY: turning my coffee table into a customised spanking bench. I’ve wanted something like this for a while, but buying nice, heavy, padded furniture to get thoroughly fucked on can seriously bugger your wallet. A proper bondage horse can set you back over $1,000 (about £740) and even just a flat, padded BDSM board that you could put on a table somewhere costs nearly $300 (£220) So I wanted to see if I could do it cheaper myself.

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I’m a big fan of build-up and anticipation. This period of time just before Christmas is often more fun than Christmas itself for me, because while it exists only in my mind it can pretty much always be perfect. The coolest Christmas presents look brilliant under the tree when they’re wrapped, but in the afterglow of the opening frenzy there’s always the worry that the amazing thing you picked out to give your special someone will end up disappointing them. Without the shiny paper it’ll be mundane and obvious. Potentially even embarrassing. The same is true of sex fantasies.

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Sometimes a girl just gets an idea that won’t leave her head until she has made it happen. And when I first saw The Big Gay Review’s post about the Fleshlight Launch, I realised that this automated dick-stroking gadget could potentially be adapted to make one of my sexiest dreams come true: the dream I have about orgasm, and watching a guy get milked of all his lovely spunk. So I nagged Fleshlight, got them to send me a Launch, then settled down in my workshop to build a thing. Behold: The Machine.

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