“I want to wear your knickers,” he tells me, and I’m instantly turned on – I love it when guys wear my knickers. I’m running simulations in my head: what he’ll look like in my knickers, and which pair might best show off his cock. But then he hits me with the next part… “and I want you to treat me like a silly little slut.”

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“Remember how you used to sniff my knickers while you had a wank?”

“Yep.”

“Do you still do that?”

“Nope.”

And thus my heart was broken.

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The first time someone put their face in my crotch and grinned at the strong, heady, end-of-the-day scent of my cunt, it was a bit of a revelation. I’d always assumed that the best state for a cunt to be in was clean as a whistle – and by clean I mean utterly stripped of character, cleansed, perfumed, and presented so perfectly that you wouldn’t be able to tell one neat one from another.

Uniformity and cleanliness: as if novelty and natural scent can never be as sexy as something personal.

Obviously that’s not true, and what’s more it’s a bit upsetting that we’re so often told to eradicate any hint of scent from our personal bits, lest our lovers should get their faces close and get to do that sexy *sniff* *sigh* thing that shows just how erotic our cunt smell can be.

Today I’m going to talk about knicker-sniffing, and I should warn you that this blog’s going to go into a fair bit of detail about dirty pants, as well as contain minor plot-based spoilers for Orange Is The New Black. Which is, umm, quite the combination.

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I’ve never been able to shake the feeling that sexy lingerie is for other people. The kind of people who can smile coquettishly and raise a solitary eyebrow, who sashay through a room rather than stomp across it, and who lounge sexily on a bedspread rather than throw themselves onto it in exhaustion after a long day.

When I smile coquettishly I just look smug, and although I’d love to do the saucy eyebrow-raise, when I attempt it I just look like I’m trying (and failing) to remember pi.

Lace knickers, half-cup bras, suspender belts and thongs and camis and silky, see-through dressing gowns that press against my tits to show the colour contrast of nipples and skin… ah, I’d love to be able to wear this stuff like the ladies in the lingerie catalogues. But even though I can’t pull this stuff off, there’s one kind of outfit that I find even sexier…

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Like a friendly wedding DJ, I’m always happy to take requests. The most recent one came from a gentleman who emailed me to ask about thongs. Specifically he asked if I could write about them in-depth, presumably so that he could read the entry with one hand down his own pants and an eager smile on his face.

Problem is, I’m personally not that bothered about thongs. I discovered them when I was younger and – initially – I was a huge fan. I had exactly the kind of arse that looks brilliant in them, and to be honest a decent thong frames someone’s bum in a beautiful minimalist way – slim fabric tracing the line of their crack and curving round the top of each buttock like a ribbon decorating a present. Lovely.

Thongs as sex wear

Unfortunately, my ‘oh God thongs are so hot’ phase clashed horribly with my ‘wearing corduroy trousers that were always a size too big for me’ phase. This led to some deeply hot moments – a mate picking me up, throwing me over his shoulder and carrying me across a bowling alley while the then Love Of My Life looked on and bit his lip with poorly-disguised lust.

When we got home the first thing he did was shove both hands down the back of my trousers and gulp “I’ve been wanting to do that ever since. I just want to fucking bite you.”

But these hot moments were greatly outnumbered by the not-so-hot ones. Catty whispers from people nearby when they noticed the slim fabric line peeking out of the top of my trousers. Guys who thought they were breaking new comedy ground by slipping their fingers beneath the fabric and twanging it like giggling schoolchildren.

The guy who emailed me to ask about thongs made very specific mention of the fact that he thinks they’re especially hot on ‘corporate’ girls. By which I can only imagine he means ‘women who work in offices and generally dress in suits.’ Apparently the tantalising glimpse of thong fabric is especially good when it appears above smart trousers, ideally in a meeting of some sort.

Sadly I can’t really see the appeal in this. I struggle in an office environment anyway – the clothes are uncomfortable, and always coupled with a dread that I’m not quite professional enough – not polished enough. The idea of colleagues also spotting the line of my knickers poking out the top of my smart skirt sends shivers down my spine. I’ll put this down to the aforementioned childish knicker-twangers: selfish twats who’ve ruined thongs for me forever. Not to mention that a bit of the credit should go to men who leer openly at women they work with, as if their boners are as normal an addition to an office environment as photocopy paper or unnecessary spreadsheets.

The sexiest knickers

Still, the absence of thongs does not mean that I never put on a new pair of knickers and say ‘oh God that’s great’. Although I don’t have quite all the gorgeous knickers I want – I’d love a pair of caged-back ribbon knickers, in case anyone’s planning Christmas gifts this early and wants a massive hint. But I have got a fair few pairs that make me feel awesome as soon as I pull them up to my waist. Here are my top three.

French lace knickers

These give excellent bum coverage, while still being shaped nicely enough that they make my arse look excellent. Bought from Primark for about a quid, they’ve been jizzed on, shoved into my mouth, pushed to the side for easy-access quick-entry hard sex, why – they even featured in one of these blogposts a couple of years ago – I’ve definitely had my money’s worth.

Boy shorts

I don’t understand why underwear must be so gendered – I love wearing boxers designed for guys just as much as many guys I know love the silky feel of a pair of well-made knickers. But still – ‘boy shorts’ that are designed for girls do give an excellent level of comfort, and they also cover just enough that I can wear them around the house with just a t-shirt – tantalising the boy with occasional glimpses of the bottom of my arse cheeks without terrifying the neighbours into buying new blinds.

Burlesque ruffle pants

These are pants designed to make your bum look bigger, and they are so stunning that I often put them on just when I want to have a wank – bent over in front of a mirror so I can imagine someone coming all over the back of them. I have occasionally been known to change into them before a guy comes round, so that when I let him in I can just lie on the bed and wait for his inevitable ‘mmmm…’