In case you hadn’t seen it from literally every sex toy company you follow on social media (what do you mean you don’t follow sex toy companies on social media? Go follow some of my sponsor companies, immediately!) May is Masturbation Month. For wankers like me, that means it’s the same as any other month, only we have to write content to hit the specific keyword ‘Masturbation Month’ or we’ll get beaten in Google searches by terrible magazine articles that offer wanking tips you already knew. ANYWAY. In my quest for Masturbation Month material, I thought I’d write you a list of some of my favourite kinds of wank.

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In which I try to write about the newest sex toy in my collection – the Zumio – without having to run back to my bedroom for another quick go on it just to ‘check’ it’s as cool as I think it is.

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Yesterday some poor soul wrote in to the Guardian to ask why his girlfriend masturbates after sex. His assumption was that it was because she was ‘insatiable’, and the agony aunt explained that perhaps she just fancied a second orgasm, or wanted to pleasure herself without the potential anxiety or pressure of doing it in front of him. My answer is a lot more sweary and pretty NSFW, but here goes: maybe the sex made her really, really horny.

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Sometimes something is so fucking sexy it’s tricky to find the words to describe it. But I guess if what I do counts as a ‘job’, that’s what this job is about: finding the words to describe things that are so sexy they transcend language, making me want to curl up into a tiny, horny ball and just rub myself and wail happy things forever. So I’m going to have a go at putting into words the hottest thing that’s ever happened to me: the other day my partner let me watch him wank in the shower. I am now a broken, sated mess.

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It’s that time again – Saturday’s sexy link roundup for you to peruse. Click the headings to see the full posts from the people in question, and see if you can guess which my favourite link is for this week…

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