The thing you need to know about men – perhaps not ALL men, but nearly all the men that I’ve ever had the pleasure of fucking into a sticky paste – is that they love explaining things. If you happen to be a horny, slutty woman who wants to get it on with a man, in my opinion the best way to achieve that is to find a topic that he has expertise on, or a nerdy fascination with, and ask him to explain it to you. Today’s blog begins on my living-room floor: this dude and I are sitting cross-legged eating Doritos and vaping giggly weed while he explains to me the plot of Final Fantasy.

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A while back, my site sponsors Hot Octopuss offered to bring some sex toy joy to lockdown by giving away a few of their awesome wank toys. As I’ve already written about many of Hot Octopuss’ kickass sex toys, I asked people to email me with fun new ideas on what they’d like to do with the sex toys on offer. Enter Tess, whose idea leapt out at me immediately, sitting as it does at the neat intersection of nerdery and hotness: she wanted to explore whether gaming with sex toys (i.e. playing her usual video games but with a Hot Octopuss Pulse vibe to distract her) could help her achieve some deliciously fun, edging-style orgasms. I think you’ll agree that although her gaming strategy fell by the wayside, the experiment was definitely worthwhile…

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“You can’t ‘win’ at fucking, that’s not how it works,” my partner explains to me sternly, as he flips through settings on the Mysteryvibe Crescendo app. “It’s about how well we play together.” I’m temporarily sheepish in the face of his gentle chastisement, until he adds under his breath: “Besides, I’ll win.”

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