I’m dating again. Not with great gusto so far, and my most promising dating opportunities are ones that sit outside the swipe-focused stuff anyway. But I am having a go with a few different dating apps to see if there are any that don’t make me want to chuck my phone in the Thames. This time, I’m giving myself side quests to try and avoid the malaise that characterised my last go on this merry-go-round. The problem isn’t always down to other users, to be honest, although inevitably it’s annoying to be greeted with a bunch of likes and messages from guys who have clearly not looked at a single word of my profile, seeing only my pictures and thinking ‘eh, she’ll do‘ then firing off a lazy-ass ‘hey.’ The bigger problem these days is the rampant capitalist hellscape of apps that tempt you in with the promise of connection then demand you open your wallet if you want to actually talk. But still. We’re doing this. And part of ‘doing this’ in a way that makes it fun means allowing myself to write about the experience. That way, when aspects of the dating journey annoy me, rather than curl up and weep in a corner I can roll my eyes and remind myself that at least it’ll make good content. So. Here goes: four reasons I will instantly swipe left.

Note, as always, that like most of my other dating advice articles, this one is tediously straight. 

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When you’re in a relationship with someone, treating sex as a hobby that you enjoy together is a fabulous way to maintain connection and keep things interesting – I believe this very strongly and I know I bang on about it a lot here. Rarely do I get such a perfect, horny, beautiful example of this than in today’s amazing guest blog, though. When the writer first messaged me to tell me he writes porn for an enthusiastic audience of one, I nearly fell off my chair with excitement before immediately asking him to send me a guest blog about it. Please welcome today’s anonymous writer, who is here to tell you about the joy and satisfaction of writing porn for his wife.

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Are you looking for a long term relationship? Here’s the one question you should ask of everyone you date. It’s going to sound weirdly specific, and has little to do with compatibility or shared interests or personality matching, but bear with me please because I think it’s worth it. The question you should ask of everyone you date is: would you come to Moorfield’s eye hospital with me at five o’clock in the morning?

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Here’s a dilemma. A conundrum. A thought experiment, perhaps? If you know you’re going to be shagging someone for the very last time ever, how do you do it? You know your relationship has to end, and will soon be over for good. The pair of you can’t go on like this any longer, it hurts too much… but fate has given you one last shot to do the thing you both love to do. So. The last time you ever fuck them, how do you fuck?

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This deliciously savage fuck story features longing between lovers with a complex relationship – it is written and read by Tabitha Rayne.

Where have you been?

He cups my face, pain and sadness searing across his expression followed by a flash of anger.

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