“British scientists have unveiled a new wristband which can tell what sort of mood you’re in. Men are especially excited about it as they hope to finally gain an insight into what a woman means when she says she’s ‘fine’.”

– Opening joke from Breaking the News, 5th July 2019

There’s a common trope that when a woman says ‘I’m fine’ actually she’s fuming, and it’s someone’s job (usually her partner’s) to solve the puzzle and find out what’s actually wrong before everything explodes in a shower of icky female emotions. It’s a fun game, right straight lads? Having to guess what your partner actually means when she says ‘I’m fine’? Haha women are so mysterious, and men will never be able to figure us out!

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Would we be more gentle with each other’s hearts if we knew how much it hurt when they get broken? I mean ‘hurt’ in a literal physical sense here. I used to think heartbreak was a universal physical sensation – one we all experienced in the same way. But recently I’ve discovered that heartbreak feels like different things to different people.

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A confession: when you’re out, sometimes I lie on your bed and bury my face in your bedsheets. Huffing the lingering scent of summer sweat like it’s perfumed roses or myrrh or forty-quid wine. I am creepy, so of course I sniff your bedsheets. And that’s not all I do.

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Today’s guest blog comes in the form of some sad and beautiful heartbroken poems. Huge thanks to SN, who dropped me an email last week with these. I hope you find them as touching as I did.

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Are you on the verge of falling in love? Is there someone you look at who makes you feel dizzy, like you’ve suddenly taken a deep lungful of air at the top of a mountain and you have to look around for a bench or a rock to sit down on in case you topple off? Yeah, don’t fall in love with them. Run the fuck away.

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