Two things this week – a couple of things you should check out in the world of sex news. The first is an incredible (or incredibly awful) job as a porn censor for the UK Government, the second is a book of sex advice that I have been reading and thoroughly enjoying…

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This piece was initially an experiment to see how weird it would be if we treated other interactions the way we treat sex – with ‘must try’ positions and tricks and rules for everything from hugging to holding hands. But then as I wrote more, it went more weird. Sorry about that. 

Tired of going through the same old positions when you’re not having sex? Try these killer moves to really put the spice back into your not-making-love life…

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I hate my sofas. I hate them with every single fibre of my being. I hate them more because I should have anticipated the problems I have had with them, and left them to rot in Marks and Spencer where they belonged. With their shitty sleek design and their evil spindly legs. And their squeaky, ill-placed, uncomfortable cushions.

I cannot fuck on my sofa. And although this might sound like an entitled whine (it is), I want you to be able to learn from my mistakes if you can. Never ever ever buy a sofa you cannot fuck on.

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Let’s talk about sacred sex, via the medium of delicious toast.

I don’t think bread is sacred. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t sacred to you. Some of you might do the church thing, for instance, where you kneel at the altar and the priest gives you either the literal body of Christ or something representative enough that to pop it in the toaster would be sacrilege. Judaism has some pretty cool sacred bread stuff too, if I remember right from R.E. classes. Or if you observe Ramadan and eat bread during iftar, then as you chew you might marvel in the wonder of what God does for you/is to you/means to you, and have a nice spiritual moment.

I don’t have a bread ritual, though – I tend to just toast it, butter it, then eat it standing up in the kitchen.

Roughly the same applies with sex.

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Two things this week, to power you through Monday with a combination of fun and frustration. This week we’re looking at relationship listicles, and why they’re about as helpful for your relationship as those quizzes they used to print in Just Seventeen magazine, and then some excellent news about virtual reality porn.

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