If you are seeing someone on a casual basis, or you’ve agreed that you’re going to date/shag them but haven’t quite done the logistics for meeting up, how often do you message them? Are you checking in regularly to see how they’re doing, or do you consider them ‘in the bank’ and therefore probably not in need of regular contact until it comes time to meet up? What is the difference between being casual about checking in and accidentally ghosting someone?

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This week’s guest blog is a little different – the fantastic Amy from Coffee and Kink (follow her on Twitter here!) has been canvassing some of the best Valentine’s Day stories from cool people who work in the adult industry. As you probably know, those of us who work here are often a bit eye-roll about the day, especially with all the pressure to Do Something Valentine’s Related if you’re a blogger. But this is my first Valentine’s Day as a single person in a long time, and I find myself less annoyed by it than I was when I was in a relationship: now I can view it from the outside, I enjoy living vicariously through other people’s happy times. Huge thanks to Amy, and to everyone who contributed to this piece – please do click the links and check out their amazing work!

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I really love it when people I’m fucking make noise. You don’t need to scream the place down, but I do enjoy some encouragement in the right direction. Positive noises, when I’m doing something good, are not only welcome from a confidence-boosting perspective, they will also (usually) ensure that you have more satisfying sex with me. If you don’t yet understand why, allow me to climb on my soap box for a second and explain to you the cast-iron case for making more noise in bed.

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I don’t know if I’m allowed to just invent a piece of sex etiquette, like I’m the editor of NSFW Debrett’s, but if I were allowed to do that, I’d suggest an etiquette rule like this: if you’re fucking someone with a butt toy in, and you have the ability to hold it there while you pound them, you absolutely should. So for instance, if we’re fucking doggy-style, one hand laid on my butt with a steadying thumb against the base of the plug (not pushing in, just holding still) will calm my anxious mind and mean I can focus on the shag rather than the worry that I’m about to inadvertently shoot it across the room. This rule brought to you by a woman who – no matter how safe the butt plug or how secure it feels in my ass, the second you start to plough away I will immediately panic that my lubed-up arse might accidentally blast it at your stomach like a rocket launcher. My top concern with anal toys is not whether they’re going to get in, but whether they might just slip out. That was my key concern with the Hot Octopuss Plex, and why I tested it in ways that may seem silly to you, but which for me formed vital anxiety-calming prep before I (hopefully) get to use this during sex.

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Recently I wrote the easiest guide to dirty talk in the English-speaking world. I am a fan of trying to simplify sex things to get more people on board with doing them, and I am quite proud of that guide – I reckon people who’ve never talked dirty before might find it useful. I thought I’d have a go at doing something similar for sex comms more generally. And this one’s even simpler: all you need is three words. One phrase. Learn it, and get instantly better at sexual communication. Ready? Brace yourself…

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