Welcome readers, I like to imagine you’re on the edge of your seats, eagerly anticipating the climax of my efficient dating experience with a man who kindly fulfilled my last-minute request for a date, then came with me to a Travelodge to make out on one of the beds. Quite a few people replied excitedly to part one expecting porn in part two, thus falling into my cunning and evil trap. I wanted to raise your hopes nice and high because that’s the energy I brought with me on this date – it’s the energy I bring on every date. I wasn’t expecting anything, but naturally it would have been a welcome joy to have a sexy dude put it nice and hard inside me. The resulting disappointment will give you a true taste of my dating life because brace yourselves: this man well and truly talked himself out of a fuck.

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Check out part one of this story, about the man on the internet who gets off on giving me money. This is part 2, in which I get him to bankroll something bucket list that I could never have done on my own. Note that this piece contains a decision that is morally questionable at best.

It’s been a while since I spoke to my Paypig – sometimes when you’re in a relationship you have to give less energy to your sidequest sexual hobbies. He disappears for periods of time, and it’s been a few months since I asked him for any cash. He’s still there in a few shining bubbles of my memory, and an unfinished blog draft, but we haven’t really been in touch. However, as Julie Andrews wisely notes at the start of The Sound of Music: when the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window. And one of the many windows that’s opened for me since I broke up with my boyfriend is the opportunity to chat to my Paypig once more, and see what mischief he might help me make.

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Normally I struggle when it comes to Valentine’s Day content, but this year I have a whole bunch of pent-up dating energy that I’m not really putting anywhere so roll up your sleeves because I reckon I’ve got a banger. Here are 12 cute and sexy date ideas for Valentine’s Day, complete with links to places you can buy stuff if you’re in the mood to get presents for your partners and want to support this site by buying from the people who help keep it alive.

Some of these links are sponsored, which means if you click through and/or buy you’re helping to support this website, and that is the BEST Valentine’s Day gift you could give me. THANKS!

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Normally I wait until just before New Year’s Day to write a round-up of the year’s top free audio porn, guest blogs and other delights. But this year I wanted to get it live early, to give you something to dip into during this period of otherwise-relatively-wholesome festivity. So! Welcome! Take a seat, grab a glass of mulled wine/eggnog/hot chocolate, and enjoy this showcase of some of the top audio porn, smutty blogs, and other fun treats from this year! Join me in celebrating the astonishingly talented cast of writers, readers and guests who bring such utter beauty to the site…

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He’ll be home any minute so she has to do her hair. Curled and set, brushed out neatly before being shaped around her face so it looks like it was effortless. She selects her best outfit, one she knows he’ll find appealing. Emphasising her curves just enough but not too much. Making her look like an angel. Nails are polished. Legs already smooth – earlier that day she ran herself a bath and her skin is now powder-soft, like new-fallen snow. Bathed and moisturised and shaven and plucked and perfect. Man, I’m so glad I’m not a 1950s housewife!

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