London has a population of almost nine million. It is one of the most vibrant, exciting, busy cities in the world. At the same time, most of the people who live here (myself included) have an instinctive distrust of strangers, and a powerful desire to not be bothered by one. So how do you meet people in this context? In the past I’ve relied heavily on dating apps. But as most people on The Apps agree, dating apps fucking suck these days. Let’s examine some potential ways to get laid without dating apps, with the aim that by the end of the year I will have DEFINITELY TRIED ALL OF THEM and if I haven’t you can tell me off for wussing out.

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Eroticon is the conference for sex bloggers, erotic writers and other creative types, and Eroticon 2023 will be held on June 10/11 (Saturday and Sunday) in Camden. It is, hands down, the most useful and fun event I ever go to, and I’m shamelessly evangelical about it. If you’ve ever looked at what I do here and thought ‘that GOTN is a lucky fuck, to be able to bang on about shagging for a living’, you’re correct. I am lucky. And although obviously a lot of the credit should go to the incredible guest writers and readers I work with, and the sponsors who support what I do here, a huge chunk should also go to Eroticon: the launchpad to my career (if you wanna call it that, which I absolutely DO). Whether you’re a new blogger hoping to establish yourself or an old hand wanting to expand your skills and learn more cool stuff, or just a curious person with a desire to get stuck in to some sex-related creativity, come join us in June for Eroticon 2023!

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There’s plenty of erotica that doesn’t require special effort to write consent: the story and the way you tell it is enough. If I write a piece about how much I love sucking a particular guy’s dick, I’m not especially concerned with whether the audience will be thinking ‘but wait! Is the man whose dick you’re sucking consenting to that?!’ Firstly because people tend to assume consent when the genders are this way round (which they absolutely shouldn’t, but that’s a different blog post), secondly because one of the key things I love about it – and therefore one of the key threads of the story – is the reaction of the person receiving. I’ll write their ‘mmm yeahs’ and ‘oh fuck please don’t stops’ into the text, because that’s part and parcel of the hotness. The same cannot be said of certain kink-focused stories, especially when that kink is consensual non-consent.

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Earlier this week, my best mate asked me if I’d tried using ChatGPT to see if it could accurately do my job. I am fascinated by machines that can learn, because I enjoy exploring the philosophical implications of computers that can genuinely think: the same thing that drew me to sex robots a few years ago now has me salivating over the possibility that a chat bot might one day achieve personhood. But in today’s world we are less worried about AI ‘achieving personhood’ than ‘stealing our jobs’. So… is ChatGPT good enough that one day it might take my job? Can robots write sex blogs? I thought I’d test it out to see whether I was in trouble.

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I could just jam this into the FAQs, but I’m feeling feisty today so it’s going to be a blog post instead. Since I started creating audio porn, one of the most common questions I am asked is ‘will you turn my story/fantasy into audio porn?’ – so I thought I’d have a crack at answering that question.

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