This is not a Christmas gift guide, because in my family we’re not doing gifts this year – we’re doing ‘hugging those we can and vid calling those we can’t and making plans for a big fuckoff party once we’ve all received our vaccines’. I checked my calendar this morning and was unsurprised to discover that 2020 has lasted at least ten years so far. And while it’s glorious that we’re now hurtling rapidly towards the end of it, with joyful vaccine news on the horizon, I don’t think any shiny presents will be sparkly enough to brighten what’s been such an objectively devastating time. So this is not a Christmas gift guide.

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Every year I try to do a Christmas presents guide that points you not-so-subtly to cool products my sponsors sell in case you want to buy something awesome for the hot people in your life (one of whom, inevitably, is yourself: you deserve presents too!). I realised this year that I should probably get off my arse and do at least part of it sooner, because if I publish something today you can also take advantage of Black Friday deals where you get extra discounts and cool stuff. If you’re not in the market for sex toys it will be very boring, so feel free to skip over it and go wank to one of the filthy posts while everyone else does their shopping.

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It’s really fucking shit, let’s start with that. Lockdown continues/escalates across the UK, to varying degrees of clusterfuck depending on where you are. One thing is certain: at some point you’ll be trapped at home, bored and miserable and longing for the Before Times. To try and ease the misery, and plug the awesome companies who support my site, here’s a quick rundown of some sexy things to keep you entertained through the oncoming horror show.

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Weirdly, when I first experienced the indescribably brilliant, fuck-me-to-the-brink-of-death-and-beyond power of the Doxy, it didn’t occur to me to ask for something that would pump that power into my cunt. I was happy enough just fucking my Doxy as it was – using the throbbing rumble of the mighty original Doxy on my clit. Latterly I’ve been content to let those powerful waves travel through the flesh of my pubic mound, into the internal walls of my vagina, where they meet up with the Godemiche ambit dildo like two dudes meeting me on the Piccadilly line and then DP-fucking me in the lift at Covent Garden. What a complete twat I feel now, having experienced the power of Doxy inside my cunt, to never have thought to ask for it before.

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My cunt is sore, so fucking sore. I got fucked so hard that when I came home I shuddered each time I thought about it, although whether the shudders were caused by lustful memories or something else is a story for another fucking day. All you need to know for now is that my cunt was sore. And therefore perfectly placed to try out a new sex toy: a slim, soft, gentle dildo – the Avant D14 Heart of Gold – sold by Stuffgoodies, and perfectly designed to soothe my fucksore vagina while I reminisced about the excellent sex I had when I should almost certainly have been doing something else. Let’s do this.

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