How many different butt plugs does the average person need? My gut instinct would be to say two or three – so you have a bit of variety on size and material if you want it, but you’re not struggling for butt plug storage space. But then, as I was auditing my sex toy collection in preparation for writing a wish list, I realised that I have far more than three, and I still haven’t got all the different butt plugs I really want. My most used sex toy is the Doxy, and I’d cite floggers as my favourite thing to collect, but I have at least 5 different kinds of butt plug, and I still want more to complete my ideal set. They come in so many different varieties that I can illustrate exactly why I want so many. So although I suck at actually reviewing sex toys, I can definitely take you on a journey of all the different butt plugs I want. Ready? Let’s go.

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“Oh Jesus fuck yeah that’s we… yeah that’s weird… and umm holy fuck. Oh God ah it actually…”

Long pause while he fucks me more, just to check his assessment is correct.

“It actually feels…”

More fucking…

“Like your cunt is…”

Harder…

“…actively trying to pull my dick further in.”

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Right now, in this actual universe, there exists a robot that writes porn. That is a real thing, not just a dream I had. There’ll be more to this blogpost than that simple fact, but I wanted to put it first because it pleases every single aspect of my nerdy, sex-curious, erotica-loving brain. Last weekend, Goldsmiths University hosted a sex tech hack: they got a group of clever, imaginative people together and gave them a bunch of sex toy hardware to play with, then asked them to create things around the themes of intimacy, companionship and sexuality. One of the many incredible things that came out of this was a robot that writes porn.

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Two things this week features a gorgeous personal essay about one woman’s porn journey, discovering first erotica and then the internet. That’s my favourite thing of this week, and I haven’t found anything super-bad to highlight, so instead I’m going to take the piss out of a vibrator, because sometimes that is fun to do.

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Today’s guest blog covers a topic I’ve wrestled with in the past: who gets custody of the sex toys when you split up with someone? It’s not just a financial wrangle – although with the price of some high-end toys it certainly can be – but the emotion involved in things you’ve used and loved together. It’s an utterly gorgeous post, and I’m delighted to be able to bring guest blogs back with something so lovely – please welcome this week’s guest blogger Nic.

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