Last week journalists had a ball with the news that We Vibe has agreed to pay out millions of dollars to users of its ‘smart’ sex toys, after a legal dispute surrounding the data that the company collected about toy use. Some users were understandably annoyed by this, and they launched a class action which cost We Vibe millions of dollars to settle. But it hasn’t put me off smart sex toys: not one tiny little bit. And I’m going to try and explain why.

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The most important thing to remember about electrosex is that the smaller the surface area, the more intense the sensation. Where you draw the line between pleasure and pain depends on your own threshold. I like warm, broad sensations. The smack of an open palm. The heavy thwack of a thick leather belt. Electricity that tingles over my skin when he places a full hand on the back of my thigh. Other people like intense, pinpoint pain: the sting of the cane, leaving a lattice of thin red welts to show you took it well. With electrosex there’ll be no marks, but the rule applies: the smaller the surface area, the more intense the sensation. Today I want to tell you about the ElectraStim Jack Socket.

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How many different butt plugs does the average person need? My gut instinct would be to say two or three – so you have a bit of variety on size and material if you want it, but you’re not struggling for butt plug storage space. But then, as I was auditing my sex toy collection in preparation for writing a wish list, I realised that I have far more than three, and I still haven’t got all the different butt plugs I really want. My most used sex toy is the Doxy, and I’d cite floggers as my favourite thing to collect, but I have at least 5 different kinds of butt plug, and I still want more to complete my ideal set. They come in so many different varieties that I can illustrate exactly why I want so many. So although I suck at actually reviewing sex toys, I can definitely take you on a journey of all the different butt plugs I want. Ready? Let’s go.

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“Oh Jesus fuck yeah that’s we… yeah that’s weird… and umm holy fuck. Oh God ah it actually…”

Long pause while he fucks me more, just to check his assessment is correct.

“It actually feels…”

More fucking…

“Like your cunt is…”

Harder…

“…actively trying to pull my dick further in.”

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Right now, in this actual universe, there exists a robot that writes porn. That is a real thing, not just a dream I had. There’ll be more to this blogpost than that simple fact, but I wanted to put it first because it pleases every single aspect of my nerdy, sex-curious, erotica-loving brain. Last weekend, Goldsmiths University hosted a sex tech hack: they got a group of clever, imaginative people together and gave them a bunch of sex toy hardware to play with, then asked them to create things around the themes of intimacy, companionship and sexuality. One of the many incredible things that came out of this was a robot that writes porn.

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