As ever when I roll out some dirty poetry, I’m going to ask you to be gentle because I don’t really know what the fuck I’m doing. But I wrote a sexy poem, about sex and aging. Two things that are not incompatible. I suck at poetry titles, so feel free to suggest one in the comments. And I suck at poetry too, it’s just that sometimes I like the rhythm of it to make a point or turn a dirty phrase.

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…and the answers made me weep tears of joy. A couple of weeks ago, the lovely people at Godemiche (who make an incredible range of cool dildos) gave me a handmade, custom dildo to give away. To enter, all people had to do was complete the sentence:

‘If I were a dildo scientist, I’d make…’ 

We had some hilarious, beautiful and ingenious answers. Below is a selection of highlights, as well as the five runners-up. Please vote for your favourite, and the person with the most votes at midnight on Monday 1st August will receive the gorgeous custom dildo pictured above.

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What do you think of when you hear the words ‘orgasm equality’? I think of much nicer things than the weird t-shirts I stumbled across this week. That story, as well as an update on a really awesome anal toy, in this week’s ‘two things’ below.

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Here’s fun: SSRIs. Also referred to as ‘anti-depressants’, although sometimes used for things on top of/combined with depression. I’ve talked a bit before about my anxiety – specifically the way in which anxiety affects how I fuck. It’s a massive pain in the arse, and it’s not exactly the kind of thing I can easily dismiss by choosing not to care about it.

Still. I’m here, and I’m not too bad most of the time, so I’m lucky.

But I’m also on pills, and I fucking hate them with every fibre of my being.

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At this year’s Eroticon, there was a table covered in what I can only describe as a rainbow of dildos. In a huge variety of colours, with gorgeous designs and occasionally beautiful things actually encased in the silicone. The company, Godemiche, is run by Adam and Monika, who are not only geniuses but they’re super-passionate about dildo-making.

I squealed and marvelled at their amazing creations, then eventually asked if it was possible to make a dildo with my logo in it, because I am a professional blogger now, so I have to consider my #brand. They are dildo scientists, so the answer was ‘of course’, and a couple of weeks later I’m the proud owner of a super-cool handmade custom dildo. And you can win it, because I am nice like that and I like running weird competitions. See below to find out how it could be yours…

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