What does it mean to be a feminist man? I tend to assume that most people who read this blog regularly would identify as ‘feminist’, but when I was on dating sites I found a lot of men with profiles that expressed a vague ick about labelling themselves as such. The idea that men would publicly say ‘I am a feminist’ can clearly be a bit controversial, but personally I think that a lot of the work of feminism – especially when it comes to the basics (pointing out day-to-day gendered expectations and beliefs, challenging other men on sexist microaggressions or intervening in harassment) we could really do with having more men step up and give us a hand. Alongside assuming you’re all feminists, I also likely make a lot of assumptions about the things most of the men reading already know about when it’s good to step in if you spot inequality in action. But I’m probably wrong to assume that, and I’m grateful to Paul for dropping by with an overview of what it means to him to be a feminist man. What actions does he take on a daily basis that other men could do well from copying? Take it away Paul…

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There are three parts to this story. You don’t have to believe them all. In fact, if you don’t believe any of them it doesn’t matter much to me. There are many of you I love and respect, but few who I rely on for the kind of intimacy I’d expect of a partner or friend. But if you’re my friend, my lover, or anyone else who cares about me, I need you to believe me when I tell you about my life.

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Something is seriously wrong with our men. Our young, white men in particular. It’s easy to see the links when it’s all laid out in front of you: the vast majority of mass killers are men, violence against women is common of many mass killers many – or most – of whom openly hate women. Recently ‘Incels’ (a label that means ‘involuntary celibate’) have been in the news, thanks to one incel who decided he was so angry he needed to take it out on society by killing people. And while we’re now having a welcome discussion about how dangerous misogyny can be, I can’t help but think we’re not fully addressing the problem.

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When people ask me ‘is your husband home?’ (or variations on that theme), I correct them in the same irritating way I’ll hiss ‘Ms’ if asked whether I’m a ‘Miss or Mrs’. My partner and I aren’t married, and I used to think my initial burst of frustration when people asked for my ‘husband’ was because I didn’t like the assumption that all couples have to get married at some point. It’s not really that, though: what’s frustrating is how often I am asked – or expected – to defer to my male partner. As if he’s the CEO in our relationship, and I am merely his secretary.

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If you could put one thing from the world into ‘Room 101’, banishing it forever from the planet, what would you choose and why? There’s plenty I’d be tempted to go for, I am a person who gets angry about a lot of things: plastic cups, pear cider (it’s NOT FUCKING CIDER), or men on Twitter explaining my own bra to me. And that’s before you even get started on the important bits like war, poverty, and every political ad that’s ever been shown on Facebook. But there’s one particular concept that seems ready to disappear: chivalry. Chivalry is on the way out, and I won’t be sorry to see it go.

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