I probably don’t even need to write an intro for this one. The awesome Focused and Filthy (@FocusedFilthy) – she of the astonishingly hot blog, gorgeous photographs, and deliciously creative fucking, is here to tell you about the ‘hat trick’. And by ‘hat trick’ she means getting cum in each hole. As I say, needs no introduction. As long as I’ve SEO’d it properly, this is going to be the one of the most popular guest blogs of 2022, possibly of all time (and I’ve been doing this for eleven years). Missy’s exceptionally filthy and joyous descriptions of getting cum in her mouth, cunt and ass live up so beautifully to the promise of the title, I have no doubt that this post will launch ten thousand wanks. Have at it.

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He’s at the toilet, pissing heavily into the bowl. I’m standing behind him with my arms wrapped round his waist, gripping him ever so gently so I don’t put him off or change the direction of the stream. Both of us are staring down at the task in hand. The fat head of his flaccid cock gripped between thumb and forefingers. When he pushes out the last few drops, he grunts a little at the back of his throat. The same way he sometimes grunts when he comes inside me. When he’s finished peeing, he turns his head towards me and whispers in my ear ‘what do you want?’

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When I was young – maybe ten or eleven – one of my Mum’s friends gave her an entire display box of Mars bars to say thanks for a favour she’d done. Incredible, right? In case you aren’t familiar with them, Mars bars are tasty sticks of nougat with a layer of chewy caramel on top, enrobed in delicious milk chocolate. And thanks to my Mum’s friend, our family now owned an entire box of them! What?!

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I’m a big fan of penetrative sex: it’s not the only way to fuck, but it is my favourite. I understand that some people don’t want their partner to ejaculate too quickly during penetration – they want their ‘turn’ to come before any jizzing occurs. The notion of the ‘two-pump chump‘, while shamey and horrible-sounding, does nevertheless express something that’s important for some people, and I don’t want to imply that their desires here are invalid. Nor do I want to invalidate your desires if you find yourself coming really quickly during sex and desperately wishing you could last a little longer. If you’re shagging me, though? Please don’t ever worry about ‘premature ejaculation’ on my account. Two pumps is fine. Even just one, to be honest. One of the hottest things you can ever do is spunk uncontrollably into my cunt.

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Whenever I ask a new person to teach me how to suck their dick, Jez from Peep Show’s voice pops up to tell me “That’s cheating! Anyone can please [someone] in bed if [they] tell you what to do! You’re not allowed to ASK, that’s the whole point!” It’s ridiculous, of course, because you absolutely are allowed to ask. In fact, sometimes asking is the only way you’ll find out exactly how this particular person likes their dick to be sucked.

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