I should probably take the ‘over 18s’ warning off my site for this post, as I’m going right back to first base by discussing kissing. As with all of my posts, though, there’s probably still some mention of dicks, so don’t start reading it out loud to your grandma.

Kissing’s good. And it’s not just for teenagers. Much like tit-groping, kissing seems to get neglected as we age. A fumbling snog is no longer the goal in mind when you chat someone up – it’s a bridge you have to cross before they agree to full sex. I think this is a crying shame and – if your final goal is good sex – a serious lapse of judgment.

With apologies to Cher, a kiss can’t really tell you whether someone loves you. But it can certainly tell you to what degree they want to rip your knickers off and pound you like you’re in trouble.

Kissing makes a world of difference

I could be with the loveliest guy in the world, dripping wet with anticipation for the moment he first sticks his hand down the back of my jeans, and be turned off in just a second if he kisses me unenthusiastically.

Alternatively, a guy for whom I have only a modest amount of affection can have me panting with desperate fucklust just by kissing me the right way. I can pinpoint the time I started taking a certain guy seriously to the moment when he lay on top of me on the sofa and kissed me so hard I actually moaned.

It was slow, but with force and pressure. As he was doing it he pinned my body down on the sofa and pressed himself between my legs like he wanted to trap me beneath him. He held my wrists behind my head so I couldn’t move, and kissed me for a good half an hour.

When I said ‘please, please fuck me’ he ignored my requests and kept going. And I kept moaning. And by the time he finally pulled down my jeans to get at my cunt the relief was so great that my eyes watered.

How to be a good kisser

Contrary to the wisdom of the teen movie, no one can actually teach you how to kiss except the person you’re kissing.

Some traditional top tips include:

• don’t use too much tongue
• don’t waggle your head around too much
• try not to dribble down their chin

And I’m not a fan of people who use these techniques either. But I’m pretty sure some people like it because I’ve been with men who do kiss like that. I’ve had guys dribble and lick. I’ve had some who kiss like they’re in Byker Grove on fast-forward. And I’ve had some all over my face, forcing their tongues so deep into my mouth that I’m not sure whether to keep kissing or just suck on it like it’s a prehensile, face-mounted dick.

But some people must like it, because they do it. So my advice (if you want to be good) is to try and kiss like your partner – take your cues from them. Best case scenario: you learn to love their style. Worst case scenario: at least you’re doing roughly the same thing, so you’re less likely to clash teeth or give your partner whiplash.

But my advice if you really want to enjoy it is to encourage them to kiss like you. If both of you move towards an acceptable kissing compromise you’ll probably end up somewhere in-between which works reasonably well for both parties.

Do more kissing

Do more kissing – however you choose to do it. It’s a bit of a ‘Cosmo’ piece of advice, but I mean it. Kiss. Kiss with enthusiasm. Kiss like you want to fuck. Kiss like if you do it well enough the girl you’re with will slick her knickers, because – listen carefully – it’s true.

In bed, in the shower, in the kitchen, while you’re watching TV – kiss. On the scale of ‘dull’ to ‘fucking awesome’ it’s a hell of a lot higher than you might think.

A good kiss can make the difference between a nice shag and a spectacular fuck. Kissing makes my cunt drip and my nipples hard before you’ve even taken any clothes off. Kiss me well and not only will I be more likely to fuck you, I’ll be actively begging you to do anything you want.

After a full-on weak-at-the-knees snog, not only will I plead with you to touch my tits, hurt me and fuck me in the ass, you’ll hear the dirtier stuff come out too. The stuff I might be nervous to ask for if you hadn’t just made me insensible with passionate snogging. Kiss me gently and nervously and we’ll have the awkward shy sex. Kiss me with confidence and you can beat me with a coathanger, piss all over me, force your fist part of the way into my aching cunt, then come on my face and scoop droplets of your fresh spunk right into my filthy, kissable mouth.

It’s probably lucky I kept the +18 warning after all.