While I’d love to be able to open this blog with a revelation about a sordid orgy with two famous politicians, that would be a heinous lie. I’ve never had sex with a politician, and unless one of my exes stands for office at some point, or Danny Alexander pops round when I’m too horny to be critical, it’ll probably stay that way forever.

Still, that doesn’t stop me speculating on the sexiness or otherwise of various politicians, so I’m going to do just that:

• Ed would totally get it.
• Clegg would have had it back in 2010 but now wouldn’t muster so much as a pity fuck.
• Sturgeon is undeniably cheeky and although I don’t fancy her I’d definitely nudge a mate if she beckoned them over with a sexy wink at a party.
• Cameron can get utterly fucked, but not by me.

For the Americans among you, I hope you know that I am not discriminating against your politicians. I have, on numerous occasions, had fantasies about being accidentally locked in a cupboard with Barack Obama. The cupboard’s vital because I know he’d never let me snog him if he thought Michelle might see.

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