Google Trends tells me that people only really began searching ‘lolly vagina’ in earnest in July 2022. Yet as long ago as 2019, we were being warned in The Metro not to put lollies in our vaginas to try and cool down. The Mirror, too, chipped in by reiterating the warnings. As did Grazia. In 2020, when most of us were busy trying not to catch the plague, the Daily Star reminded us to also remain vigilant against frostbite on our fannies. Now, as a deadly heatwave grips the UK, the links and warnings start circulating again, with new outlets chiming in to help curb what appears to be a trend of people shagging ice pops to try and stay cool in the heat. I imagine these will only increase exponentially as climate change continues to radically alter the make-up of the planet while the people in power make token gestures that aren’t even close to enough. But how useful are these warnings? Are people actually putting ice lollies in their vaginas? What are the risks? And most importantly… why can’t I fuck an ice lolly if I want to?

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