One plus one does not always equal two. Sure, if we’re talking standard stuff like apples and oranges, one plus one definitely equals two and I’d be a weird conspiracy theorist if I tried to persuade you otherwise. You have one apple in a bag, you add another, you have two apples. True. But if the things you’re counting are dicks, and the place you’re putting them is my vagina: one dick plus another equals a hell of a lot more than two. Let’s talk DVP with a fuckmachine.

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When he asked me what I wanted, as my reward for winning the game, I think he expected me to demand pleasure. Orgasms, delivered by hand and vibrator, or his wet lips wrapped round my nipples. Maybe a good, hard fuck bent over the sofa. Instead I asked him for pain. “Whip me,” I told him.

Note, this post makes references to That Fucking Virus and These Weird Times.

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I really love it when I recommend toys to you lot and you have as much fun playing with them as I did. Doubly so if you’re willing to share your thoughts in a guest blog. Recently this fabulous guest blogger DMd me to say ‘OMG I cloned my dick’, off the back of a recent post I wrote about that very process. Unfortunately, in my own post, I couldn’t share an image of the cloned dick with you because it was so accurate and representative of my partner’s exact penis that we thought a picture would be far too intimate. Luckily for me (and you, I hope), today’s guest blogger is willing to share pics of his (scroll down to see ’em!), along with a few thoughts on what it’s like to look – up close – at a perfect replica of your own cock, which you have previously only encountered from arms length…

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“What was the plot of that porn, then?” He asks me, twenty seconds after we’ve both come. We’re sitting side-by-side on the sofa, him covered in spunk and me casually discarding the dildo and Zumio I used to get there myself. On the TV the porn scene we were watching still plays: porn with no plot, just a couple of people having a vigorous and sexy shag. He reaches for the controller to switch it off as I try to put into words what ‘the plot of that porn’ really was.

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I’m a woman who has had a hell of a lot of grotty, functional, hungover wanks, so I was over the moon when today’s guest blog landed in my inbox. Please welcome Hazel Southwell, who is here to give you an intense and intimate journey through the pleasures (and frustrations) of solo sex in grotty hotels and hostels all across the world. Travel with us to some exotic locations, while remembering that some things stay the same no matter where you are…

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