“I don’t really do phone sex,” I say to him, as I shuffle across the bedroom with my trousers partway down, reaching for a dildo and my Zumio. He replies “yeah, I know,” and in the background I can hear him beating away at his cock.

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I’ve been thinking about dickheads a lot lately. I mean, specifically, the head of a dick. The most sensitive, lickable part. The bit that’s most fun to run your tongue over. The part that you can kiss with spit-moistened lips. I like paying special attention, during languid suck-jobs, to all the different ways I can use my tongue on the head: flat on the underside, swirls round the ridge, firm flicks over it from side-to-side or up-and-down. Right now, I’m obsessed with the head of a dick. The way the ridge of it feels solid against the topside of my tongue when I flatten it and lick. The way I can wet it with one smooth, wet motion – running my tongue around as I playfully pretend that I’m not going to put it all the way back in my throat. The noises I can suck out of someone when I finally dip the head into my waiting mouth, and the twitching agony in his body if I keep doing that – over and over – without ever swallowing the whole of him. Sorry. This is technically meant to be a review of the new Godemiche OffBeat masturbation sheaths, but already I’m distracted. Dick does that to me.

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I have never measured how many orgasms I can have in one day, but if I were to estimate I reckon my max would be hovering somewhere around double digits, but not much further than that. Ten or eleven feels like a decent achievement, but nothing I’d expect a medal for. Today’s guest blogger, however, definitely deserves a medal. When my site sponsor Hot Octopuss offered a selection of sex toys to bring people joy during lockdown, she pitched me the idea of using the Hot Octopuss AMO bullet vibrator to see how many orgasms she could have in a single day. The results are frankly so impressive that I think I need to turn over my ‘horny pervert’ card to her immediately. Please welcome @EasilyTempted, who put the AMO bullet vibe to excellent use in this epically wank-tastic guest blog.

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I am not very good at saying ‘no’ to fun stuff. Some people have told me I have an ‘addictive personality’, but I think I just have no willpower. If something is available that gives me pleasure (cigarettes, dick, [redacted in case my Mum ever stumbles across this], wine, vodka, massively powerful wand vibrators, chocolate-covered peanuts, McCoy’s salt and vinegar crisps, etc etc etc) then I rarely have the inner strength to turn it down. So often the only way for me to avoid getting sucked in to unhealthy obsession with something is to avoid trying it in the first place. Unfortunately for me, Hot Octopuss is a sponsor of my website, so I was duty-bound to try out their new Kurve g-spot vibe: now I am addicted. Fuck you, Hot Octopuss.

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A while back, my site sponsors Hot Octopuss offered to bring some sex toy joy to lockdown by giving away a few of their awesome wank toys. As I’ve already written about many of Hot Octopuss’ kickass sex toys, I asked people to email me with fun new ideas on what they’d like to do with the sex toys on offer. Enter Tess, whose idea leapt out at me immediately, sitting as it does at the neat intersection of nerdery and hotness: she wanted to explore whether gaming with sex toys (i.e. playing her usual video games but with a Hot Octopuss Pulse vibe to distract her) could help her achieve some deliciously fun, edging-style orgasms. I think you’ll agree that although her gaming strategy fell by the wayside, the experiment was definitely worthwhile…

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