There are lots of things I enjoy about this time of year, but gifts aren’t one of them. I feel uncomfortable if people buy them for me (please don’t go to any trouble!) and I’m terrified of giving them. Although I occasionally have a flash of inspiration, or the time and ability to arrange a cool trip or activity, most of the time I end up panic-buying a present at the last minute that’s way over my tiny budget, because I didn’t have time to shop/think/make but I need this person to know that I care about them anyway. Even the cool things I do occasionally manage come with a hefty dollop of misery as I agonise over the fact that they will still fall woefully short. It never feels possible to buy a gift that is thoughtful enough, arrange an outing that’s fun enough, or write a poem in a card that’s meaningful enough to capture the weight of my love for this kickass person. But I tell you what I can do very well: gratitude.

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Hooray for science! This week’s fantastic guest blog, by Jocket, has exactly the kind of wanking detail that a sex nerd like me gets ridiculously excited about. Not only has he tried out a bunch of different masturbation sheaths (across a range of brands), but he’s done a deep-dive into one of the best sleeves (made by my site sponsor Godemiche) and ranked every possible textured iteration of their OffBeat toy based on what feels best on his dick. WHAT A HERO. Take it away Jocket…

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This gorgeous Zoom orgasm story is written and read by The Barefoot Sub, and originally appeared on her website.

An unanswered email flashed up with a “follow up?” prompt. Hanging my head in shame I clicked “dismiss”. The email request seemed simple enough in theory, but the fact remained that I didn’t have permission to ask for a meet. Not only were the lockdown restrictions firmly in place nationwide, but in the summer Sir had agreed to me having a play date, and I had failed to follow through with my promise of sexy shenanigans when the chemistry had been missing and I’d changed my mind. Now I was to wait. Wait to be instructed to find someone to fuck me.

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This incredible edging erotica is written by David of The Big Gay Review, and originally appeared on his website. It is read aloud here by Luke. 

I’m impatient. I am the type of person who will obsessively watch their tracking emails as soon as they get a dispatch notification. I’m always rushing ahead from A to B because I just can’t stand waiting. I’m the same with my orgasms. I want them quick, fast and lazy where possible. So the idea of being edged honestly does not appeal, personally.

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I have very little truck with entertainment that simply makes me think – I want to read, watch and listen to stuff that makes me fucking feel. And few genres on this planet are more effective at making people feel stuff than porn. Direct, intense, powerful: compelling people to touch themselves, revelling in the sensation of their crotch thudding hot and warm with blood. I adore porn, and in fact I will happily recommend you some fabulous sites if you’d like to buy a sub to get your rocks off (click the ads! And if you can’t see any porn ads, hit refresh until you do!). I don’t actually watch porn while I’m wanking, though, and every now and then I have a conversation with someone in which they look at me like I’m weird when I tell them I can (and usually do) get off without porn. I’m a sex blogger who has access to a lifetime’s worth of free porn! Why aren’t I watching it all the time?! It’s like they feel sorry for me, having to make do with just the thoughts in my head instead of the magic on screen. All the while, I’m feeling sorry for them, because they don’t have access to the kind of content that plays in my own private cinema.

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