There’s a guy who pops up occasionally in celebrity gossip articles, or tweets, or various pop culture ephemera in which I have only a passing interest. I have absolutely no idea who he is. However, I do know that he wears extremely tight trousers, has piercings and tattoos that have sunk hooks into my very soul, and lips that I would fight wars to have wrapped round my nipples. So. I don’t know this man from Adam, but here’s what he can do to me.

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Remember those urban legends about parents who’d find cigarettes in their teenagers’ bedrooms and force them to smoke an entire packet to put themselves off forever? That’s how I feel about dick pics. I’ve seen so many of them that even the most beautiful dick, framed and shot by the world’s greatest photographer, does little for me now unless it’s attached to someone I already have a raging crush on. But recently someone sent me a different type of picture, far better than a dick pic. So hot that opening the file felt like a punch in the cunt.

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