Girl on the Net

On Sundays, we do anal. It’s not a hard-and-fast rule, although naturally we’re hoping that with enough ‘getting fucked in the ass’ practice for me, ‘hard and fast’ will eventually be the general tone of each occasion. But before we get to that point, we need patience, time, and preparation. A lot of preparation.

We used to do a fair amount of anal when we first got together. That gradually died down as we’d been together for longer, not because we stopped enjoying it but because of the girth issue – we fell into a natural break in the anal fucking, and during that break my body decided it wasn’t up for it. Occasionally we’d still give it a go, with my partner gamely trying to sling one up me if I was feeling especially relaxed.

Unfortunately, no matter how gently he took it, my body would respond with a huge NOPE – I’d give a brief reflex squeak then an involuntary wriggle, dragging myself away from his cock like it was a particularly scuttly house spider. He was very receptive to my pleas that we should give it another go, but when every single attempt led to the aforementioned squeaks and wriggles, understandably he decided to stop trying.

For a while this lack of buttsex didn’t bother either of us, because life contains plenty of other intriguing and deviant things with which we can amuse ourselves, but at the start of 2020 a variety of things (mostly his porn and my feverish imagination) combined to make us both Fancy A Bit Of Anal. So we decided to start again, and ‘Anal Sundays’ were born.

[My partner wanted to call it ‘Sodomy Sunday’s, because alliteration is fun, but I have been compelled to point out that ‘sodomy’ does not just mean ‘anal’ and if you want to learn more about this, you absolutely need to read this incredible post about sodomy from Going Medieval]

Anal Sundays: the routine

In my wildest and most excitable dreams, I would like my partner to be able to growl ‘bend over and spread, I’m going to fuck you in the ass’, and then slide in at the drop of a hat with nought but a handful of lube and a rock-solid boner. But in this world – the real one – going from ‘no anal at all’ to ‘deliciously brutal anal that feels equal parts pleasure and punishment’ takes a hell of a lot more time and effort.

It starts with wine. I pour myself a glass while he runs me a bath, and then we kiss briefly on the stairs as I head up to go and prep myself. I sip the delicious wine while I rummage through our sex toy collection, picking up a few of the different butt plugs I’ve been using during butt plug training to make sure I have a decently varied set. I lay these out on the bed, on a towel, along with a bottle of lube, a dildo and a vibrator.

We’ll come to this stuff later.

For now, I’m getting ready for my bath, and so one of the things I grab from the sex toy drawer is a simple douche. Technically you do not have to douche in order to enjoy anal sex. You can get fucked in the ass without rinsing yourself out if you like. However, I like to douche for two reasons:

1. It makes me feel more comfortable (read: I do not worry so much about excess mess) when I get fucked in the ass
2. It gets me used to having things in my ass, prior to getting fucked in it.

The tip of the douche is really slim, and although I’d always want to lube it a bit (skin drags without lube and it hurts), the fact that it’s slim means it’s an easy first thing to use. While my bath’s running, I’ll run a sink full of lukewarm water (a little bit colder than body temperature – test it with your elbow to make sure it isn’t hot) and then use that to fill the douche. If you’ve read this far in the paragraph and you still don’t know what ‘douching’ involves, then apologies for being so euphemistic until now: you fill the douche with water, shove it up your arse, squirt the water inside (I prefer to do this face-down-ass-up on the bathroom floor but you may have different preferences), and then when your arse is filled with water, you squirt it out into the toilet. If you like, you can try to hold the water in for a while before you squirt it out, while listening to a playlist of party songs on Spotify.

By the time my douche water is running so clear it could be used in an Evian advert, the bath has usually finished running. I slip into it, drink the rest of my wine, put a deep conditioner on my hair, and listen to either The News Quiz or the Remainiacs Podcast. This paragraph has nothing to do with anal Sundays and everything to do with me enjoying my lovely bath, the point is just to help me feel relaxed and lovely: feel free to edit the details depending on your own podcast preferences and haircare routine.

When I’m done, I head to the bedroom and lie on the towel I’ve spread out on the bed. You may not want to put a towel down, but I have nice sheets and I don’t want to get them saturated with lube, so I do. At this point it’s usually a good idea to turn off the podcast, because it’s quite hard to focus on Brexit analysis when you’re busy lubing yourself up. And vice versa.

Anal Sundays are not just about me

Before I get into the next batch of anal prep detail, I should point out at this point that my partner is not sitting in the living room scratching his arse, he is doing important preparation of his own. He’s watching porn and edging himself, and this is a vital – vital – contribution.

Although I dream of one day being able to take an instant anal fuck without having to do all this faffing, at the moment this is simply not possible. Getting fucked in the ass is intense. Intense, hot, nerve-wracking and awesome. I don’t know if I will ever be able to get fucked in the ass the way people do in porn, because they are professionals who have worked way harder at it than I have.

So when my other half fucks me like this, I do not want him eking out the experience for as long as possible: I want him to orgasm. And because the sensation is so intense, and its hotness for me rests heavily on the fact that it feels taboo/filthy rather than the specific physical sensations, I want him to orgasm pretty fucking quickly. I might try and write about this in a bit more detail at some point, because I want to tease out the difference between ‘this hurts and I want to get it over with’ (absolutely not how I feel about any aspect of sex, except perhaps for yoga-type positions that I want to hold just for the sheer challenge of them) and ‘this is an intense way to fuck and as a result if we do it for too long it will lose the appeal/become too much and we’ll have to stop.’ But for now all you need to know is that when I want to get fucked in the ass I want it to happen fairly quickly. Gentle strokes at first, swiftly building to something more vigorous and horny, which leads to him rapidly filling me with a satisfying helping of spunk.

So: porn. He watches it and wanks while I get on with the rest of the prep…

Anal Sundays: prepping to get fucked in the ass

When people say ‘use lots of lube’ for anal, you’re probably thinking you know what ‘lots of lube’ entails: great big handfuls of it, smeared liberally over every single toy, dick, finger and anything else that’s on its way up there. And this is absolutely a legitimate way to do it, if you’d like to. If you’re hand-smearing, I’d urge you to pay particularly close attention to the ridges underneath the widest points of your butt plugs and dildos, because often those get neglected when you’re slathering everything in lube, but if you want to do it this way go ahead – it worked well for me on the first couple of anal Sundays, and a combination of this and manual smearing of lube in/around my ass worked pretty nicely.

Now, though, when I say ‘use lots of lube’ for anal, what I mean is I own an actual lube syringe. You can get a pack of three lube syringes for less than £20, and they have changed my life. You just take the syringe, dip the tip into your lube bottle, draw up the plunger and then shove the end into your arse. Push it in up to the base, then slowly remove the syringe as you press down the plunger. It smears absolutely gallons of lube inside you all at once, in a smooth and easy movement. It’s also ridiculously sexy – injecting my ass with lube is genuinely one of the hottest/filthiest things I have ever done to myself. Seriously, if you are a delightful deviant like me and you have never yet experienced the joy of dumping a syringeful of lubricant into your own arsehole, then grab yourself a pack of them syringes and prepare yourself for a TREAT.

Once I am thoroughly lubed, I lie on my side, stick a small-ish butt plug into myself, and then use the vibe and dildo I have to hand to have a wank. The wanking bit is important, especially for someone like me who gets so distracted by ‘goals’ and ‘challenges’ that I often forget to stop and smell the roses on this delightful journey we call ‘life’. It’s easy to get caught up in all the faff and prep of anal Sundays, and end up ticking things off a list like they’re tasks to complete rather than exciting steps to take before I get intensely fucked in the ass, so it’s worth me pausing occasionally to have a bit of a wank (not a full wank: I don’t want to come and then fall asleep) while thinking about the way he’ll grab my hips with his big hands and stuff his cock inside me while I beg him to fill me with spunk.

Ahem. Where were we? Oh yes.

From the small butt plug I then move on to a larger one, and eventually my dildo (handily pre-lubed with my cunt juice – thanks wanking!), until I can smoothly fuck myself in the ass with the dildo itself. At this point I ponder what I would most enjoy when my partner first comes up the stairs: do I want him to fuck me in the cunt while the fat glass butt plug is in my ass, edging himself on the solid/tight sensations that come with that, before pulling the plug out and replacing it with his dick? Do I want him to come in to find me on all fours with one hand gripping the base of the dildo, which I’m sliding in and out of my ass? Do I want him to find me lying on my side on the bed, ass presented neatly to him in just the right position for him to slide immediately inside? It depends on the mood. Anal Sundays already involve a lot of routine, so with this bit I play jazz.

The bit where I actually get fucked in the ass

When I’ve decided how I’d like him to find me, I’ll send him a text along those lines: “Want to warm yourself up by fucking my cunt while I’ve got this glass butt plug in?” and then wait for him to text back ‘good girl’ before running full-pelt up the stairs, dick as hard as granite and filthy smile plastered on his face.

Then – and only then – do we fuck. Slowly at first, and gently. He lies behind me in the spooning position (the easiest position in which to begin an anal fuck, in my opinion) and I guide his dick inside. I guide it: me. Once he’s thoroughly lubed it up I hold it at the entrance to my ass, and then I slowly slide back onto it. When I’m comfortable with a couple of inches, he will start to move back and forth, all the while listening to my groans of ‘yes’ ‘fuck yes’ and ‘hold on a second wait wait wait gimme a sec’ for feedback on whether this is too much. Then, slowly, he’ll slide it in a little further, and a little further, pausing occasionally to give me a few seconds to get used to the new, full sensation.

Only when I’m fully comfortable with this does he start to really fuck me. Gripping my hips, slamming it home, flipping me over onto my stomach so he can call me a ‘good girl’ as he shoves it all the way in: all that lovely stuff.

Anal Sundays sound like a fuck of a lot of work GOTN, why do you bother?

The main point of this post was to tell you about anal Sundays (Every! Aspect! Of my life! Is reduced! To! Content!), as well as highlight that if you haven’t been fucked in the ass for a while (or ever), it can sometimes take a bit of practice/preparation/determination if you want to get into the swing of it.

The other reason for writing it is that I get asked a lot in interviews whether the prevalence of anal sex in porn is potentially putting people under pressure to try it out for themselves, and whether that might be a bad thing. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to show people fantasy sex scenarios and potentially inspire them to try these things out themselves if they choose. But the key words here are ‘inspire’ and ‘choose’ – my other half and I were both getting pretty keen on the idea of doing more anal, and so anal Sundays were a way of helping us work up to achieving our dreams of vigorous buttsex. But if your dreams do not include that, you don’t have to do it. Sex isn’t a set meal at a dinner party where you have to chew through horrible things like mushrooms and seafood while trying not to gag: it’s a buffet. Pick what you want, ignore what you don’t, and feel free to get vicarious pleasure watching other people enjoy things you wouldn’t, because sometimes that part’s fun too.

The porn thing is worth a bigger mention, though, because I have met some guys who believe that they key to good anal can be summed up simply as ‘lots of lube’. Thanks to porn, many people genuinely do harbour the misconception that anal penetration is as easy as vaginal penetration, as long as you’ve a gallon of slippery stuff to help things on their way. While I happily accept that ‘lots of lube’ is important (seriously: lube syringes ftw), for someone who hasn’t been fucked in the ass for a while (or potentially ever), it is not just a question of lubing up, taking things slowly and expecting miracles. It can often take far more time and patience than that.

I worry sometimes (OK, every single damn day of my life) that when I talk about the more ‘extreme’ sex things I enjoy – throatfucking, anal, getting banged with a giant fuckstick – I somehow give the impression that all of this is both desirable and achievable for others in the same way as it is for me. It isn’t. Not everyone’s going to want to do this, and not everyone will be able to achieve this. I spent long enough beating myself up about my struggles with anal in the past that I feel it would be churlish of me to just leap straight in to posts that include hot anal fucking without putting some behind-the-scenes detail live first. I write this long-and-boring one so that when I write future blogs which (hopefully!) include me getting bent over the sofa and fucked in the ass as a contrived punishment for a crime I committed on purpose, you do not leave with the mistaken impression that a scene of that nature came easily.

Not only do I find anal sex tricky, it has also been accompanied by its fair share of failures. Tune in next Sunday and I’ll tell you about one of them…

This post links to some products from sponsor companies/affiliates. Needless to say, no one actually paid me to write this, I just figured that if you do buy a lube syringe, I’d like my fair share of the credit.