Those moments of sexual discovery when you finally get to indulge a particular kink or even discover something brand new that you love: they’re really special. They’re one of my favourite things to read about in other people’s sex writing. But perhaps even more powerful than that are those moments when you discover something new about yourself – learn to accept and embrace yourself just as you are. Today’s fabulous guest blogger – Ana – is here to talk about the moment when she realised she’d managed to shake off shame and insecurity and accept herself. I love it so much. Thank you Ana!
Casual sex helped me to accept myself
I grew up in an environment saturated in purity culture. I let my first boyfriend feel me up and carried the guilt of it for years. I vowed to not have sex before marriage, and by god I stuck to it for as long as I held that value: and I was proud of myself for not ‘giving in’ as so many others had. Yes, I know, that’s terrible on so many levels. I’m not defending it, just being real about where I’ve come from.
But then, through a series of very unfortunate events indeed, my entire faith unraveled and I was left questioning everything. Out of all that grew a whole new me, but this ‘me’ still has some baggage left over from those days.
I hooked up with someone recently, and I had so much anxiety beforehand. It wasn’t my first time having casual sex, but it was with someone I know very little about compared to my other sex partners. A new… friend? Coming over, just for sex. Because we wanted to. Because I wanted to. Why did I want that? Should I want that? Those were the questions fighting to gain traction in my mind.
Then there’s the disability aspect. Even without the purity culture bullshit, I had plenty of reasons to wonder whether anyone would ever want to have sex with me anyway. I’m disabled: my body doesn’t work the way I’d like it to. Hell, sex, and especially kink, with me can be more dangerous than it already inherently is. So there are those insecurities to deal with as well. What if I get hurt? What if I’m not good enough? What if I’m not flexible or athletic enough. What if…?
That’s why I feel like this last encounter was so much more than just a fling. Not because we’re falling in love and going to get married and have 2.5 kids and a picket fence… but because it proved to me that I have accepted myself, and that others can and will accept me too.
I had fun, they had fun, and they treated me like a person. Not even like a disabled person, at least not in weird ways, but like a submissive woman, because that was the most relevant bit. My physical limitations were respected and accommodated, beyond that it was just one of many factors that make me who I am.
It was glorious. It was liberating.
I want more.