Eroticon is the conference for sex bloggers, erotic writers and other creative types, and Eroticon 2023 will be held on June 10/11 (Saturday and Sunday) in Camden. It is, hands down, the most useful and fun event I ever go to, and I’m shamelessly evangelical about it. If you’ve ever looked at what I do here and thought ‘that GOTN is a lucky fuck, to be able to bang on about shagging for a living’, you’re correct. I am lucky. And although obviously a lot of the credit should go to the incredible guest writers and readers I work with, and the sponsors who support what I do here, a huge chunk should also go to Eroticon: the launchpad to my career (if you wanna call it that, which I absolutely DO). Whether you’re a new blogger hoping to establish yourself or an old hand wanting to expand your skills and learn more cool stuff, or just a curious person with a desire to get stuck in to some sex-related creativity, come join us in June for Eroticon 2023!

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I dipped into Twitter occasionally when I was on leave last month, and one of the things I spotted was a tweet that made me riotously horny. It was from @19syllables, one of my favourite people on Twitter (her feed is so full of joy and beauty, I love her). She tweeted “Kiss chase, but you and me in a forest and if you catch me you can take me.” It gave me all the soft-yet-powerful horny feelings. So I wrote this.

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[Ages ago I did a tweet that included a silly joke about wanting to bundle men up in a blanket and give them a hand job and a stern talking-to. Someone messaged me to say there might be some smut in that, so I had a go at writing some. I don’t know how good it is, just that I had fun writing it. It hinges on eroticisation of sexual shame (specifically masturbation shame), so please note I don’t actually think it is shameful to masturbate, obviously: wanking is one of my favourite hobbies. But shame is fun to kink, so that’s what I’m doing here.]

You promised you wouldn’t come while you were away. I was looking forward to all the spunk built up during my seven day absence – that thick, powerful brand of cum that thuds from your dick after a long period of denial and frustration. You promised me you wouldn’t come. And yet the second my flight had landed, I received a text from you letting me know that you failed.

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Regular readers will know how much I love a good ‘first time’, in fact I have a tag right here on the blog for it: check out the kickass variety of first times people have shared, from first threesomes to first prostate orgasms and first time visiting a strip club, I adore hearing about those moments of sexy discovery. And if they come with detailed orgasmic descriptions, even better. So imagine how over the moon I was to hear from this week’s guest blogger, Star, who offered to share a pretty fucking special first time of her own: her very first orgasm with a neovulva! Take it away Star…

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Remember my free use secretary from about a month ago? How she got fucked in the middle of a job interview while doing a sterling job of pretending it was completely normal to get railed over your prospective boss’s desk while discussing salary expectations? Remember how we’ve talked about my kink for misogyny and the fact that it manifests in fantasies but should never be practiced in real life outside of a safe (and consensual) playspace? OK sweet. Well, she’s back. This is the next in the wank tales series. There are multiple free use secretary scenarios (catch the third, like wank-fantasy-Pokémon, if you support me on Patreon). This one’s called ‘the phone call’, and it features dubious consent (possibly coerced, maybe outright non-consent, I’ve tried to write in some consent cues but it’s borderline), plus other things that might be triggering to some people like choking, voyeurism and aggressively entitled posh bankers called Tarquin.

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